Happy New Year, 2010

We are on the verge of 2009, let me tell you how was it. It was crazy in a sense that I didn't realize when it had started and now it is almost over. It is really hard to tell how was it. Probably no more than one word is necessary to explain my entire year and everyone knows the word :p. I couldn't find anything remarkable apart from significant changes in my thoughts and believes.

1. I am one more year older than before.
2. I have spent one more year in graduate school.
3. I have plenty of things on the halfway, I hope I'll have time for the final touch for each of them.
4. I have met plenty of cool people.
5. I have a feeling that I'll miss Oklahoma when I'll not be here.
6. Plenty of little, little things called life!

That's all I can think of right now about the year 2009. It's new year eve, so time to embrace the year 2010. I know the 2010 would be little bit bumpy for me. I would better be ready for it. Life is all about making plan, realizing its failure and preparing for the next one. In that sense, I am having a life a very dynamic life. A life of full of plans, most of them are half-done and rest of them are failures.

I am not going put any new year resolution, for some reason it doesn't work for me! My resolution doesn't make any difference to me, so I have stopped thinking about new year resolution. Anyway, It's time for a new start, it's time for a new life and a brand new journey.

It's a new world - it's a new start
It's alive with the beating of young hearts
It's a new day - it's a new plan
(Bryan Adams - Here I am)

AVATAR

Finally, I managed some time to write something about the movie "AVATAR". First of all, I liked the movie and surely it is entertaining. The graphic is amazing!!! Probably, it is too great for my eyes and brain to take. I would say it is a great piece of art work and of course technology. The colors was truly mind blowing. It is worth of watching even for the colors only. Very few imaginative mind can think of so many colors at a time even it is hard to take all of them together. With respect to the technology, I think it just managed to catch-up the director's imagination. It is of course in my opinion one of the greatest creations in the film history.

I think the storyline is little bit stereotype but this is the first movie I have seen where the human appears as alien. Apart from that, the storyline is not very uncommon I guess. I think there was not much work on storyline. But still it is worth watching even if the name James Cameron is not there. Overall, I recommend this movie and it should be on the must-watch list and of course the 3D version.

গাছগুলো!

আচ্ছা! গাছগুলো ঠায় দাড়িয়ে আছে এই তুষার ঝড়ে! ওদের কি কষ্ট হয় না? হয় হয়ত! আচ্ছা আমি যদি গাছ হতাম, মজাই হইত, ঠায় দাড়িয়ে থাকতাম! আমার হয়ত সবই থাকত, আবার কিছুই না। গাছগুলোর দিকে তাকালে হিংসা হয়, কোন বিকার নাই। আচ্ছা, চাইলে কি আমি বিকার বিহীন একজন মানুষ হতে পারব? মনে হয় না, আমার অনেক চাওয়া, আমি অনেক লোভী একটা মানুষ, আমি কোনদিনও গাছ হতে পারব না। আমি কোনদিনও ভাল মানুষ হতে পারলাম না।

আচ্ছা, গাছগুলো কি মানুষ হতে চায় কখনও? মনে হয় না, ওদের তো লোভ নাই, ওরা কেন ওন্যের মত হতে চাইবে, ওরাতো সব চাওয়া কে জয় করতে শিখে গেছে। আচ্ছা ওরা কি আমার দিকে তাকাই হাসে? কি জানি হাসে হয়ত, আমার মত ছোটলোক দেখলে নিশ্চই ওরা খুব মজা পায়। কিংবা কে জানে, ওদের হয়ত কোন কিছুতেই বিকার নাই।

আচ্ছা গাছগুলো কি নিঃসঙ্গ? ওরাতো কখনও কথা বলে না, ওদের মন খারাপ হয় না, মন খারাপ হলে কি করে ওরা? ওদের নিশ্চই মন ভাল হয়, সে কি রং তাদের হেমন্তে, এত রং যে কই পায়! আমার কেবলই হিংসা হয়। আচ্ছা আমি মানুষ না হয়ে গাছ হলে কি এমন ক্ষতি হত এই মানব সভ্যতার? একটা ছোটলোকই তো ভীড়ে যেত গাছেদের দলে, গাছেরা নিশ্চই বিরাট বিপদে পড়ে যেত। কিছুই হওয়া হল না, একটা অস্তিত্বহীন মানুষ হয়ে জীবন পার করে দিচ্ছি। মাঝে মাঝে ভাবতে ভালই লাগে, আমার মত মানুষদের হারাতে হয় না, এরা সব সময়ই হারিয়েই থাকে।

Blizzard!

White Christmas in Norman! Wish you happy holidays.

Sweetmeats!!!

I am all alone again after quite a while. I have not been alone since last summer when I moved from my old apartment to the new one. My roommate went to Texas yesterday. So I am all alone since yesterday. Nevertheless I am enjoying this temporary loneliness. I am doing many things but for some reason still I am having plenty of time to find what else I can do. I did an interesting thing yesterday, I made some sweetmeats (wow!). I did it in reality and from scratch! I have never thought I would be able to do that but yes I did it. It's kind of fancy, isn't? But good thing is I did it successfully and it was not that bad!

I guess we called it "Golaap Jamon" in Dhaka.

OUCS

OUCS has moved to their new Building, they called it Devon Energy Hall. So I got a new office space in the new building. The structure is kind of weird; instead of having couple of small labs now they have a big lab and all the GAs are now going to sit there. It's kind of interesting. It more look like a corporate office than lab. The reason they put it this way: they say it will increase the interaction between the students. I think they are probably right, I have met lot of students in last two days those I have never seen before. But what I like most is its window! We did not have any window in our previous office space now the road side wall is made of glass in lieu of opaque materials. So we all have a wonderful view! Cool!

The most interesting thing I have learned in last two days is politics! Something remains same no matter where you go. It's not comfortable to see the people you respect are fight for silly things. Is little bit of extra space so important! It is really hard to tell. People are killing each other for the space; compare to that, this politics is nothing. But still it hurts. I just realized how far people can go for so silly reasons. Probably, this is why God created human being on earth so that he can enjoy these silly things. I guess these are the times when God grins! This world is really not enough to satisfy the greed of a single human being!

Lindsey east bound

I was kind of bored of being at home for whole day. So we went out for a while. Since I stayed at east Lindsey last year, I thought it would be fun to see the end of Lindsey street on east. Everything was great but the end of Lindsey was not too far; then we decided to go little bit further and visit the other side of Lake Thunderbird. Wow! so far it was fun! It was kind of abandoned area and we went beyond the Lake Thunderbird. When we were planning to come back we did a stupid mistake, we took south instead of west! Nobody could imagine how we did it unless he/she see the map of that junction or the gas station from where we started coming back. Finally we ended up in a new city named Lexinton and it was around 1:30AM!

Here is our tour map in a larger view! It is almost a two and half hours drive and mostly across the woodland.

Bunch of words

I forgot what I was planning to write. Lets start with today, I did a poster presentation today in the union. It was cool, I have never done that before. The bad thing about poster presentation is you have to say the same things again and again and again and ... I said the same things almost hundred times today :( It becomes little bit tiring and boring at the end. The cool things about poster are it is cool and you will meet lot of people with lot of expressions, views and questions! Particularly I remember one comment from one visitor, he was saying "Computer Science is cool". Yup! I have to say, computer science is cool after seeing all the cool posters today. Probably I will drop the specifier "computer"; in general science is cool!

According to Feynman science is beautiful, he argues that science does not destroy the beauty rather it reveals more beauty from a simple one. How beautiful it is if you look at a storm! Well you will see how beautiful it is when you come across the fact about how they are formed and how organized they can be! Anyway science is cool! It is the greatest thing ever that happen to mankind.

I have very bad habit of moving apart from the original point, particularly when I write something. I guess this is because I never build the outline first; I just start writing and go with the flow. Probably that's why most of the time I go completely off-track :( This is not a problem for blog writing but this is really big issue in scientific writing! The bad thing about science is you have to be really, really organized! Maybe this is not bad but this is something not goes well with me. hmmm... What else I want to say... hmm... I really don't have any. :D I need a head phone for my iPod badly, if any kind hearted fellow wants to give me one I would not mind :P

No wonder! this is Oklahoma!

It was the second time I was thinking of dialing 911. I was coming from National Weather Center; it is not too far from my apartment (not more than twenty minutes walking distance). It is 28F outside (feels like 14F) with a gust and I was coming by walk (holy crap!). I can’t explain how it was. In the middle I was feeling like dying. I was thinking there is no way I could make it. The interesting thing is the first time I was planning to dial 911 was very similar but reason was very opposite. I remember, it was my first week in USA and I was going home from cs department and on the half way I had the similar kind of feeling but it was due to extreme hot weather; I think it was 110F. No wonder! this is Oklahoma! and this is why the National Weather Center is here!

I'm the fool!

I never thought I'd be the one
To be the raging bull
There'd always be a smoking gun
Who'd up and lose his cool
I never thought I'd have to say
I'm sorry, my love, because
I'm the fool I never
Fool I never thought I was

I left my dreams with broken strings
It's time I learnt to talk
Stop falling over things
Teach myself to walk
I'm not a superman
Or Mr. wonderful, because
I'm the fool I never
Fool I never thought I was

I'm the know it all
Trying to mend his broken heart
But I don't know who to call
And I don't know where to start

Now if you should lose your faith in me
I don't know where I'd run
I hope you'll always let me be
Your only one
Am I your one true love
Or am I too late for your applause
I'm the fool I never
Fool I never thought I was
Darling, I'm the fool I never
Fool I never thought I was

[Mark Knopfler]

How would you feel if one morning you wake up and found you don't have one leg or one arm or may be something else? I am losing something every fine morning, every fine morning I am loosing some parts of me. I knew life is not easy but I didn't know it is burglar. I am loosing something; some of my precious things everyday. I had so many good things when I was a kid I have a few of them left now. I don't know when and how I lost all of them. I am becoming empty day-by-day. Probably, I can't even claim like Hasib, "............"

Three Years!

My first post in this blog was sometime in November, 2006. It is November, 2009. My blog has passed almost three years. Wow! Three years! I never imagined at that time that I would continue it for so long. Three years is a long and for me it is even more. I have spent plenty of my times with my blog. I was kind of obsessed with my blog during the last fall, even worse during the last, last fall. Now I hardly manage time to write something. Am I too busy? Probably not, probably I don’t have much to tell or to be more specific, I don’t have much to say to my readers, or maybe I become more introvert, or maybe I am not comfortable with too much traffic. Whatever the reason is, I am not regular here, but I want to be!

Why do I care about my blog? Well no good reason for that but it was like my friend for too long. It came all the way from Bangladesh to here with me. So I do care about it. One good thing about it is it influences many people to start their own. It brought some friends for me; it brought some good thoughts for me too. Another interesting thing is nobody ever complained about my ugly writing style but I know it’s ugly. Apart from that, nobody even complained about poor English! I mean that was the whole point of start writing publicly. Apparently, it didn’t work because people are too modest, maybe more than they should be. But I have received many comments in course of time and most of them are from my friends. Some anonymous comments are very irritating like “you should add addsense”, “you should add visitor counter” and so and so. Some comments are really interesting and I liked them such as “your blog is stereotype”, “do you know anything other than the word stupid” and so. At least they spend their time on it.

I should say sorry for a very stupid post about Adolf Hitler. It didn’t mean what it looks like now. I am not a big fan of Hitler but I told I am big fan of his capability of imagination. Being a big fan of someone is very different from being a big fan of his/her characteristics. I can have certain characteristics; it is up to me how I am going to use them. I didn’t even say I am fan of his way of using but how that post is interpreted wrongly by most of the readers and I receive tons of personal emails about that post. Some of them state theirs hatred on Hitler in such a way that it seems like I am the one whom they hate!

I have shared couple of my conversations with my friends. Zafar was complaining about one. This is a big issue about personal blog. Blog is way of publishing other people information without their permission. To my best knowledge, I never did that intentionally and I never publish any sensitive information intentionally. If I had ever published anything about anyone which he/she is not comfortable with, he/she has every right to ask me to get rid of that post and I would love to do so.

Typically I receive interesting comments but I would like to say something about comments. Some comments I really hate:
“You should organize this/that way” – What the heck? Why do I need to organize this/that way? What I am going to achieve? Better look, that’s not me even if I organize in that. I want to keep in my own way, in my own organization. I don’t have any intension of attract traffic; I have an intention of reflecting me here. So please do not tell me how to organize it.
“You should add addsense” – Again I am not doing it for business, it is for fun. I don’t want to mix up everything with business. I have no intension of making it business website or business portal. If I want to earn money I can earn from different sources. So please don’t suggest me something like that.
“You should add visitors counter” – Why? Why do I care about how many visitors it has, why do my readers care about how many visitors it has? If they care, it doesn’t want that kind of visitors. It wants the visitors those come to read it not come here because other people come here. So please don’t say I need to add that.
“I have visited your blog now please visit mine” – I love to read other people’s blog and I spend quite a long time on that. If you left a comment like that I am ensuring you I am never gonna visit yours. If your site has the content of my type be sure I’ll find it someday and visit yours.

Well, it would be too mean if I write only the bad part of the story. I should say something about the good part of the story. Comments I really love:
“Your idea is crap” – No idea is perfect, the whole point of putting an idea in public is to discuss it and collect other people views. I believe if nobody questions my idea it is not interesting enough or it is not innovative enough. Tell me what is wrong, I would love to hear. I might argue; but if there is something good in it, trust me I’ll accept it.
“It is stereotype” – Probably I agree it is little bit stereotype. I mean most of our lives are not very interesting. It is not our fault; it is how we lead our life. I have received plenty of comments like that. I love these kinds of comments but the problem I don’t know the way making it more interesting. So I always argue and that makes a bit more interesting.
“It is masochism” – Whatever it is, it is me! I love to hear from different people about what they think about me. I never feel offended with these types of comments.
“You write very well” – It is always good to hear good things from other people, it is more interesting if the person is unknown. Of course these kinds of comments are very encouraging.

At the end of the day, the whole point of writing is someone will read it later. So readers are very important for anything. Readers keep things alive. Couple of days ago I was planning to make my blog private and then I changed my mind. I feel like readers have some impact on what I am writing, and I didn’t want to miss that part. Finally, I would love to listen from my readers.

Long Nights

Have no fear
For when I'm alone
I'll be better off than I was before

I've got this life
I'll be around to grow
Who I was before
I cannot recall

Long, long nights allow me to feel
I'm falling
I am falling
The lights go out
Let me feel
I'm falling
I am falling safely to the ground
Ah...

I'll take this soul that's inside me now
Like a brand new friend
I'll forever know

I've got this light
And the will to show
I will always be better than before

Long, long nights allow me to feel
I'm falling
I am falling
The lights go out
Let me feel
I'm falling
I am falling safely to the ground
Ah..

[Eddie Vedder][Youtube]

One thing I wanna do before I die, I wanna be homeless, I wanna go wild. I wanna be a freeman. I believe this world should have place for freemen. The place where I can learn myself, the true life. I hate this trash of civilization. Cities are like lights, and we are the flies moving toward it. Alas! it can give us nothing but death.

I wanted to cry

Well here comes my baby
She's dressed oh so cute
She looks a little crazy
In her Hollywood shoes
Well baby loves driving
In my hot brand new car
She thinks less than flying
Is not fast enough

But when you turn upside down
Life ain't too much fun
I wanted to cry
But the tears wouldn't come

Here comes my baby
She's the one I adore
Well she's a lucky lady
Born in a Gucci store
With gold cards in motion
And the platinum too
She jets across the ocean
A little faster than you

But when it rains in St. Barth
Life ain't too much fun
I wanted to cry
But the tears wouldn't come
I wanted to cry
But the tears wouldn't come

Every night without you
I miss to have you by my side
Ohh, so I keep waiting, I keep waiting
I swear I never let you go again

Well here comes my baby
With a Brad Pitt lookalike
Right through immigration
And straight out of my life

Well it seems the friendly skies
Are pretty good fun
I wanted to cry
But the tears wouldn't come

I wanted to cry
I wanted to cry
I wanted to cry
But the tears wouldn't come

[Scorpions][Youtube]

Today, I just realized I have not seen so many wonderful things in this world. I just realize life is very different than I think of. I got a huge blow and I am struggling to hold on. I used to think I am doing great but I never realize some other things might have more fun. My day was horrible and I was in some kind of illusion today. I am scared of life. Day-by-day I am getting more and more scared. huh! I hate life.

I feel very stupid, I feel like I know nothing about life. I want to go home just for a day. I want to get back to my mom. I want to sleep on her lap like I did before. Every time I felt I was bumped I used to sleep on her lap. Probably those are my safest moments in my entire life. Mama! Please take me back inside! ………………………………………………………………….

Security for Data Stream Management System

There emerge new applications, such as environment monitoring, Web click streams, and network traffic monitoring, where data are in a form of streams that continuously arrive, usually in high speed and with changing data distribution. Due to the unbounded data volume and the real-time continuous high rate data collection and processing characteristics of those applications, traditional database management systems are not suitable to manage them. To fill in the gap, researchers have proposed a new type of systems, called Data Stream Management Systems (DSMS). Like traditional database management systems, DSMS need to provide security mechanisms to protect streams of data along with the system against malicious attacks in sensitive applications. The special characteristics of data stream applications raise new issues that must be considered when developing security mechanisms for DSMS. This paper discusses those issues, reviews how they have been addressed in the literature, and identifies future research directions.

In Security in computing and networking systems: the state-of-the-art, Eds. William McQuay and Walled W. Smari.

set me free!

It is always hard to predict what's coming in. It is sometime even harder to realize what is going on. I have spent my entire life to realize what is going on and every time I try to figure out what have I learned about life? My found a big empty, it is empty like Buddha's emptiness. I have real trouble coping with life. I have real trouble to live. I never understand what life is but I always try. It causes pain to run after something that doesn't exist. May life doesn't have any meaning, we stupid bunch of people running after it.

I never understand people I never understand life. I never understand relationship. There are so many things I don't understand. My ignorance beats me up every time. I never understand how I am supposed to react. So I choose the opposite, I do what I like to do. I am a stupid whore entrapped in prostitution and I don't know how to get out of it. I am waiting for the customers and hope someone will take me out someday and that thing doesn't happen.

I have heard Himalaya is the place where people get their answers. I want do one thing before I die, I want to go to Himalaya. I want to get my answers. I want to know me! I want to know my life. I am tired of being ignorant. I want the light. I am so bored in ignorance. I want a soul to take me out show me the world, a spirited soul!

Paranoid

Finished with my woman cause she couldnt help me with my mind
People think Im insane because I am browning all the time
All day long I think of things but nothing seems to satisfy
Think Ill lose my mind if I dont find something to pacify

Can you help me thought you were my friend
Whoah yeah

I need someone to show me the things in life that I cant find
I cant see the things that make true happiness, I must be blind

Make a joke and I will sigh and you will laugh and I will cry
Happiness I cannot feel and love to me is so unreal

And so as you hear these words telling you now of my state
I tell you to enjoy life I wish I could but its too late

[Black Sabbath, 1970][Youtube]

Funny!!!

There is an interesting thing about God. There is always something good in his creation. Every creation is unique. Sometimes I got so confused that I don’t know how what to say. Everyone is different; everyone has their own way of thinking, doing and so. It is not easy to conclude anything from finite instances. Well! Who am I to conclude? Who gave me the right to conclude about others? True, very valid question! I don’t have any right, so you. It is easy to stop comparing? Well! is it possible to stop comparing for human being? It’s hard to explain.

When we all were kids we learn one thing, how to mimic things. We learn from other people. We learn to compare ourselves to other people. From then we compare anything and everything with something else. What if I can stop comparing absolutely? I guess my existence would not create any difference. I exist because I can compare! I can’t imagine of a true indifferent man! How does he look like? Maybe, I going toward too extreme but it is fun thinking about the extremes. Extremes are interesting.

I am rambling way apart from the point. The point is who am I to judge the wonderful creations of God? Yesterday, I was talking with Josh. He has a list of forty five items that he looks in a girl (trust me even forty five girls are not enough for those forty five items). Sounds interesting, isn’t it? So he came to my apartment almost midnight and saying shiblee I am in a big problem. So I asked what? He said I start liking a girl and she doesn’t have all those forty five items! I said okay, then don’t date with her. He said well it is difficult to be alone. In a zest, the way he explain the problem to me is like, if he starts dating and find a better girl then what he would do? At the same if a girl with those forty five items doesn’t exist (it can't be) then what?

অচল প্রেমের পদ্য – ০৮

তুমি কি জুলেখা, শিরী, সাবিত্রী, নাকি রজকিনী?
চিনি, খুব জানি
তুমি যার তার, যে কেউ তোমার,
তোমাকে দিলাম না – ভালোবাসার অপূর্ব অধিকার।

[হেলাল হাফিজ]

Fade to Black

Life, it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters, no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye

[Metallica - Ride The Lightning' 1984][Youtube]

Am I busy?

Start with the anonymous’ question, “Am I busy?” well hard to tell, let me put it this way, “I am occupied.” It has been a while I am not writing anything. The partial reason of course is I am occupied another reason could be I don’t know what to write. Well, I used to write everything here but now my everything become so small that anyone can put it in one line and that line appears so many times, I dare to put that again. Life is pretty much same as it was before except I complicated the situation a little. Forget about the ugly part! One new thing is I having difficulties to tolerate other people now-a-days. Well, it’s not entirely new, it’s a kind of recurring phenomenon.

Let me think, “What’s new?” I barely remember anything new. Ahh!!! There is one new thing in OU CS department. They are trying to arrange a regular tea party on Thursday evening. I am just coming from that event. It’s nothing but all the professors and students mostly graduate students gather together and chat with each other. They give an interesting name for it, they called it t++. The idea is cool! It’s an open interaction place for faculty and students. But like other events some faculty don’t bother to show up, so some students. Anyway, it’s a cool to be.

Anything else? I am tempting to say no. Well, Adnan and I stay together. So I don’t have to do all the crazy household stuff. To be more specific Adnan take care of everything like he did before. He took pretty less time to take over everything. I am happy! I hate this kind of things and I know he loves these tasks. There are some people who love to take care of others, he is one of those kinds and I am one of those who don’t even take care of themselves. So it’s a good match. We have entirely different domain of problems and we live in different world. That’s a good thing about me and him. He is kind of opposite of me and still we are good friends. I don’t have any more things to say.

Ummm… I was planning to write a post about a cool idea, I did the initial survey for it. It’s a new problem and I think an interesting one to work with, at least worth to give a second thought. I hope I will prepare a write up and put it here. Let me stop here and see if I can work with that now...

The Root of All Evil

VI. Ready

Proud enough for you to call me arrogant
Greedy enough to be labeled a thief
Angry enough for me to go and hurt a man
Cruel enough for me to feel no grief

Never could have just a part of it
I always need more to get by
Getting right down to the heart of it
The root of all evil has been running my whole life

Dirty enough for me to lust
Leaving nothing left to trust
Jealous enough to still feel envious
Lazy enough to sleep all day
And let my life just waste away
Selfish enough to make you wait for me

Driven blindly by our sins
Misled so easily
Entirely ready to leave it behind
I'm begging to break free

Take all of me
The desires that keep burning deep inside
Cast them all away
And help to give me strength to face another day
I am ready
Help me be what I can be

VII. Remove

Self-centered fear has got a hold of me
Clutching my throat
Self righteous anger running all through me
Ready to explode

Procrastination paralyzing me
Wanting me dead
These obsessions that keep haunting me
Won't leave my head

Help to do for me what I can't do myself
Take this fear and pain
I can't break out of this prison all alone
Help me break these chains

Humility now my only hope
Won't you take all of me
Heal this dying soul

I can feel my body breaking
I can feel my body breaking
I'm ready to let it all go
I can feel my body shaking
Right down to the foundation
The root of it all

Take all of me
The desires that keep burning deep inside
Cast them all away
And help to give me strength to face another day
I am ready
Help me be what I can be
I am ready
Come to me
Take me away

[Dream Theater][youtube][Lyrics: Mike Portnoy]

How is life?

Lot of things happened in last few days. I become little bit irregular here. In fact I was little bit busy. Not busy really it is because of Ramadhan my daily routine got screwed. I was struggling to cope up with change. It’s almost impossible to synchronize. I think it will be okay from now on. Probably today is the last day of Ramadhan. I hope everything gonna be regular again.

The best thing happened is Adnan joined OU this fall and the worst thing happen is still he is looking for assistantship. We two move out to a new apartment. It is not as cool as the old one though. Anyway, it’s a tradeoff that I have to accept. I realized one thing; probably I got changed a little bit or in Rassel’s word I become more American. What even it is, the fact is the same. Life is not as it was before.

Another interesting thing is my professor is leaving OU. I am not sure yet what would be the immediate consequences of that, I hope I will be fine. So my time is pretty busy to cope with the new situations. On the top of that my stupid research! So! It’s crazy time. I took three courses again and this fall I have to go through a nasty process again. That’s the ugly part of the entire story. Anyway pray for me!

The Unforgiven II

Lay beside me, tell me what they've done
Speak the words I want to hear, to make my demons run
The door is locked now but it's opened if you're true
If you can understand the me, then I can understand the you

Lay beside me, under wicked skies
Through black of day, dark of night, we share this paralyze
The door cracks open but there's no sun shining through
Black heart scarring darker still, but there's no sun shining through

No, there's no sun shining through
No, there's no sun shining

What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you?

What I've felt, what I've known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you
Or are you unforgiven, too?

Come beside me, this won't hurt, I swear
She loves me not, she loves me still, but she'll never love again
She lay beside me but she'll be there when I'm gone
Black heart scarring darker still, yes, she'll be there when I'm gone
Yes, she'll be there when I'm gone
Dead sure she'll be there

What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn to stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you?

What I've felt, what I've known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you
Or are you unforgiven, too?

Lay beside me, tell me what I've done
The door is closed, so are your eyes
But now I see the sun, now I see the sun
Yes, now I see it

What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you?

What I've felt, what I've known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there? 'Cause I'm the one who waits
The one who waits for you

I take this key
And I bury it in you
Because you're unforgiven, too

Never free
Never me
'Cause you're unforgiven, too

[Metallica - ReLoad' 1998][wiki][youtube][real player]

নষ্টদের অধিকারে

আমি জানি সবকিছু নষ্টদের অধিকারে যাবে।
নষ্টদের দানব মুঠোতে ধরা পড়বে মানবিক
সব সংঘ পরিষদ;-চ’লে যাবে অত্যন্ত উল্লাসে
চ’লে যাবে এই সমাজ সভ্যতা-সমস্ত দলিল
নষ্টদের অধিকারে ধুয়েমুছে, যে-রকম রাষ্ট্র
আর রাষ্ট্রযন্ত্র দিকে দিকে চ’লে গেছে নষ্টদের
অধিকারে। চ’লে যাবে শহর বন্দর গ্রাম ধানখেত
কালো মেঘলাল শাড়ি শাদা চাঁদ পাখির পালক
মন্দির মসজিদ গির্জা সিনেগগ নির্জন প্যাগোডা।
চাষার সমস্ত স্বপ্ন আস্তাকুড়ে ছুঁড়ে একদিন
সাধের সমাজতন্ত্রও নষ্টদের অধিকারে যাবে।

আমি জানি সবকিছু নষ্টদের অধিকারে যাবে।
কড়কড়ে রৌদ্র আর গোলগাল পূর্ণিমার রাত
নদীরে পাগল করা ভাটিয়ালি খড়ের গম্বুজ
শ্রাবণের সব বৃষ্টি নষ্টদের অধিকারে যাবে।
রবীন্দ্রনাথের সব জ্যোৎস্না আর রবিশংকরের
সমস্ত আলাপ হৃদয়স্পন্দন গাথা ঠোঁটের আঙুল
ঘাইহরিণীর মাংসের চিৎকার মাঠের রাখাল
কাশবন একদিন নষ্টদের অধিকারে যাবে।
চ’লে যাবে সেইসব উপকথাঃ সৌন্দর্য-প্রতিভা-
মেধা,-এমনকি উন্মাদ ও নির্বোধদের প্রিয় অমরতা
নির্বোধ আর উন্মাদদের ভয়ানক কষ্ট দিয়ে
অত্যন্ত উল্লাসভরে নষ্টদের অধিকারে যাবে।

আমি জানি সবকিছু নষ্টদের অধিকারে যাবে।
সবচে সুন্দর মেয়ে দুই হাতে টেনে সারারাত
চুষবে নষ্টের লিঙ্গ; লম্পটের অশ্লীল ঊরুতে
গাথা থাকবে অপার্থিব সৌন্দর্যের দেবী। চ’লে যাবে,
কিশোরীরা চ’লে যাবে, আমাদের তীব্র প্রেমিকারা
ওষ্ঠ আর আলিঙ্গন ঘৃণা করে চ’লে যাবে, নষ্টদের
উপপত্নী হবে। এই সব গ্রন্থ শ্লোক মুদ্রাযন্ত্র
শিশির বেহালা ধান রাজনীতি দোয়েলের ঠোঁত
গদ্যপদ্য আমার সমস্ত ছাত্রী মার্কস-লেনিন,
আর বাংলার বনের মতো আমার শ্যামল কন্যা-
রাহুগ্রস্ত সভ্যতার অবশিষ্ট সামান্য আলোক-
আমি জানি তারা সব নষ্টদের অধিকারে যাবে।

[হুমায়ুন আজাদ]

I am not a big fan of Humayun Azad but I find this one cool. Special thanks to Kazmee for this one. He read me this one. As usual I am not good at Bangla scripture typing so the text came from his blog.

Sailing To Philadelphia

I am jeremiah dixon
I am a geordie boy
A glass of wine with you, sir
And the ladies Ill enjoy
All durham and northumberland
Is measured up by my own hand
It was my fate from birth
To make my mark upon the earth...

He calls me charlie mason
A stargazer am i
It seems that I was born
To chart the evening sky
Theyd cut me out for baking bread
But I had other dreams instead
This bakers boy from the west country
Would join the royal society...

We are sailing to philadelphia
A world away from the coaly tyne
Sailing to philadelphia
To draw the line
A mason-dixon line

Now youre a good surveyor, dixon
But I swear youll make me mad
The west will kill us both
You gullible geordie lad
You talk of liberty
How can america be free
A geordie and a bakers boy
In the forests of the iroquois...

Now hold your head up, mason
See america lies there
The morning tide has raised
The capes of delaware
Come up and feel the sun
A new morning has begun
Another day will make it clear
Why your stars should guide us here...

We are sailing to philadelphia
A world away from the coaly tyne
Sailing to philadelphia
To draw the line
A mason-dixon line

[Mark Knopfler, 2000][wiki][youtube]

বিচ্ছিন্ন মানুষ!

মানুষ এক অদ্ভুত প্রানী এই অদ্ভুত গ্রহে, মানুষ কি কখনও জানে সে কি চায়? গত এক বছরের নিষঙ্গ জীবনে কতবার ভেবেছি আহ! যদি পেতাম একজন মানুষ যার সাথে কথা বলা যাবে, আর আজ যখন পেলাম তখন খুজে মরি আমার হারিয়ে যাওয়া নিসঙ্গতা। আমি হয়ত নিজেই জানি না আমি কি চাই। যা চাই, তা আদঔ কি চাই, যা পাই কেনই বা তা চাই? অনেক প্রশ্নের ভিরে আমি খুজে ফিরি নিজেকে প্রতিনিয়ত। বব ডিলনের মত আমারও খুব জানতে ইচ্ছে করে কতটা পথ পেরুলে পরে মানুষ বলা যায়?

মানুষ! বিচ্ছন্ন এই গ্রহের বিচ্ছিন্ন মানুষ! আমরা সবাই কি বিচ্ছিন্ন নই? খুব জানতে ইচ্ছে করে, কোন অদ্ভুত রসায়ন মানুষকে মানুষ বানায়? মানুষ কি শুধুই একটি মানুষ নাকি অনেক মানুষের একটা সম্মিলিত প্রতিচ্ছবি? মাঝে মাঝে মনে হয় আমার ভেতরের মানুষটা কে বার করে জিঙ্গেস করি, সে কি চায়? আমি জানি সেও আমার মত অন্ধ, সেও কিচ্ছু জানে না, শুধু জানে বেচে থাকতে। আমি আসলে কিছুই জানি না, আমি শুধু জানি আমার কি নাই। আমি বার বার প্রতিবাদ করি আমার কেন নাই। আমি ভুলে যাই আমার কত কি আছে, আমার আছে জীবন, আমার আছে অদ্ভুত এক রসায়ন, যা আমাকে প্রতিনিয়ত মানুষ বলে মনে করিয়ে দেয়।

আমি কেন এমন হলাম? যদি এমন না হতাম তবে কেমন হতাম? কেমন হলে আমার মনে হত আমি ভাল আছি? কেমন হলে মনে হত আমি ঠিক আমার মত? আমার কত প্রশ্ন! আমার কত কিছু জানার আছে, আমি জানতে চাই, ঠিক আমার মত করে। পারি না, জানি না পারব কি না, জানি না কবে পারব, তবে একদিন হয়ত পারব, ঠিক পারব।

Nondeterministic vs. Deterministic

Is human mind nondeterministic? I was trying to sleep last night and it was not helping much. Then I had tried meditation. I am never good at it. Every time I tried meditation, I got distracted but I find an interesting thing yesterday. Every time I had started with a big light source right above my head and I am laying supine in a scenic place. I was trying to concentrate on the big light source and try to feel the emptiness inside my mind with deep breath. I think the starting was okay but after every several minutes or so I found myself thinking something else, something very unrelated with my original point.

First few times I had tried to discover the chain of thought, how I get into this point? I found it is very difficult to backtrack the string of thoughts (but I was able to track it back for twice or trice). Then I tried to find the relation, the relation between the points I end up with my real life. Interestingly I got confused, I am not sure if there is any relation at all. Then I start playing with my thoughts. Every time I start from same point and try to concentrate but after some time I found me in entirely different place. So I tried to memorize the places and I was trying to find any relationship among the different places. Interestingly it is hard to find any real relation among the end points. I feel like my thought process randomly roaming around. I feel like it is a nondeterministic process. It is a very interesting nondeterministic process the same start point can take you to the entirely different end point.

Apparently human thought process is not entirely random and we can drive it to a desired direction (I am not sure, is it a desired direction or we took it as desired direction). Anyway, I agree that we are controlling our thoughts in some way, so this is a deterministic process. Now there is a mystery how we drive a nondeterministic process into a deterministic one. There might be another possibility, some part of our brain is nondeterministic and some are deterministic. But I can always argue that they are not deterministic rather they only keep the fit infants which makes them more like deterministic. Finally if there such a transformation exists then why can’t we use them in nondeterministic computing? Genetic process could be a way of transforming a nondeterministic one into a deterministic one or maybe something entirely different. (Probably I had slept at this point…)

Memento

I have watched a very interesting kind of movie today, “Memento”. It was backward kind of movie; I mean it was portrayed backward or reverse chronologically. It was portraying a patient who cannot hold new memories. The backward concept is not entirely new and so the disease. I like the combination of the story and the portraying. I am convinced that this kind portraying is probably good for this kind storyline. I must say this is one of those movies which make me think about it. Of course they showed some bizarre idea of coping with life for such a patient.

On the top of all these, I feel like they want to show some another ideas. The fact is always subject dependent. The subject decides the fact and then subject concludes from the same fact. It is always hard to tell what is a fact. And then even if it convinces itself about the fact, different circumstances deserve different interpretations and conclusions. A fact is not indifferent of interpretation. Fact is a mystery and conclusion is relative. So what else we have? :D

Finally the tagline, “Some memories are best forgotten” is kind of universal truth but I found it little bit irrelevant for this movie. At least the famous saying is not about this kind of context. Overall, I strongly recommend this movie. I would probably name it as one of my favorites.

How is life?

I complete waste of a day. I had so many things to do but I did nothing. Even I couldn’t sleep last night. I had tried two or three times during the day but it didn’t help. What I did is stupid rubbish talks. I kept so many things for the weekend but I did literally nothing. This should not happen anymore. I should be careful about wasting my time. Time is passing on. I really don’t have much time to prepare everything. I can see, I will be on rush very soon. What Can I do? I am stuck with a problem since last month. I have to find a better solution for that problem. I have already made few big decisions and those messed up all things. So I am in a mess now. I have to fix it up. I have to fix all of these, the life, the research, everything.

I couldn’t sleep for last few days. It means I am tense. It is not good. Working hard is not bad but being tense is not good. I should be relaxed but I can’t. Something is bothering me badly. The problem is I don’t know exactly what it is. It’s like I am afraid of an enemy that doesn’t exist. This state is not quite comfortable. Anyway, hope for the best!

The Unforgiven

New blood joins this earth
And quickly he's subdued
Through constant pained disgrace
The young boy learns their rules

With time, the child draws in
This whipping boy done wrong
Deprived of all his thoughts
The young man struggles on and on, he's known
A vow unto his own
That never from this day
His will they'll take away

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never be
Never see
Won't see what might have been

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub thee “Unforgiven”

They dedicate their lives
To running all of his
He tries to please them all
This bitter man he is

Throughout his life the same
He's battled constantly
This fight he cannot win
A tired man they see no longer cares
The old man then prepares
To die regretfully
That old man here is me

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never be
Never see
Won't see what might have been

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub thee “Unforgiven”

You labeled me
I'll label you
So I dub thee “Unforgiven”

[Metallica' 1991][Youtube]

Nothing else Matters

So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know

So close no matter how far
It couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know

I never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they say
Never cared for games they play
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
And I know

So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
No, nothing else matters

[Metallica' 1991][Youtube][wiki]

দুঃখবিলাস

আরেকটা দিন চলে গেল ছুটি থেকে আসার পর। দিন গুলো কেমন যেন বুড়ো আঙুল দেখিয়ে চলে যাচ্ছে। প্রতিটা দিন যাবার সময় বলে যায় তোকে ক্ষানিকটা বদলে দিয়ে গেলাম।দেখ, নিয়ে গেলাম তোর জীবন থেকে আরো ক্ষানিকটা। দিন গুলো খুব অদ্ভুত, মনে হয় যেন গালি দিয়ে যাচ্ছে। ভাবতে কষ্ট হয় এরই মধ্যে একটা বছর পার করে ফেলেছি। এরকম দিন গুলোতে কেমন যেন উদাস থাকতে ভাল লাগে। অনেক্ষন হল বাতি নিভিয়ে বসে আছি, কয়েকটা রবীন্দ্রনাথের গানের সাথে। আপনারে আমি খুজিয়া বেরাই, প্রতিনিয়ত, অনুক্ষন, প্রতিক্ষন।

অদ্ভুত এক শূন্যতায় ভরা বিষন্ন এই সময়। অনেকদিন আগে বিটিভি তে কি যেন একটা দেখাত, বলতো বিষন্নতা একটি রোগ। সময়কে আজ রোগে ধরেছে, রোগাক্রান্ত এই সময় কিই বা আর দিতে পারবে। আকাশের পাখিগুলোর দিকে তাকালে বড্ড কষ্ট হয়, মনে হয় ওরাও গান ভুলে যাচ্ছে, হয়ে পড়ছে বিষন্ন। মাঝে মাঝে মনে হয় জীবনটা কে দুমড়ে ছুড়ে ফেলে দেই, ট্রাসবক্সে, কিন্তু আমি জানি ঐ ট্রাস কখনও ক্লিন করা হবে না।

খুব কাদতে ইচ্ছা হয় মাঝে মাঝে, চোখে পানি আসে না, আমার চোখে কখনই পানি আসে না। সব পানি কোথায় যেন হারিয়ে গেছে, হারিয়ে গেছে আমার প্রথম ভালবাসার মত করে। ইচ্ছে করলেও আর আসে না। সেই যে কোথায় হারিয়ে গেল আর খুজে পাই না। গভীর রাতে মাঝে মাঝে ঘুম ভেঙে যায়, পানি খাই, তারপর ল্যাপটপটা কে কিছুক্ষন নাড়াচাড়া করি। রাসেল বলে, ল্যাপটপে বন্দ্ধি জীবন। হেলাল হাফিজের মত করে বলতে ইচ্ছে করে, "সভ্যতা আর শুভ্রতাকে বুকে নিয়েই দুঃসময়ে এতোটা পথ একলা এলাম শুশ্রূষাহীন। কেউ ডাকেনি তবু এলাম" কিন্তু আমি যে তার মত করে বলতে পারিনা, "বলতে এলাম ভালোবাসি"। আমি ত ভালবাসি না। আমি ঘৃনা করি। আমি আমার বর্তমানকে ঘৃনা করি, আমি আমার অতীতকে ভালবাসি, আমি আমার ভবিষ্যতের দিকে আগাই, এ এক ভয়ংকর দুঃখবিলাস।

Rassel, Hasib & Me!!!

It was a super extra ordinary vacation. Rassel, Hasib and me!!! Wow!!! We had fun, we had joy, we had… We met one another exactly one year later after we left Dhaka. At last, we make it happen. Probably, we start planning since we came here. Finally I don’t know how but we make it happen. We all met at Chicago exactly after one year Hasib & I came here. We had wonderful time together again. Last week was my best week in USA.

Most interesting part was, Hasib came to me yesterday and asking (kind of whispering) “You are having fun, right?” I was black out for a while. It would be my best week even if we spent the entire week sitting in his apartment. I feel bad when I was coming back today. For some reason I was thinking about it during my entire flight time. I feel like somewhere, something got changed. Maybe I am wrong, I wish I am. Maybe I am making life more complicated than it really is.

I saw Hasib sacrificing couple of times for us. That is not usual for Hasib. Maybe he became more matured; usually Rassel is the one who used to play that role. As usual, Rassel brutally f**ked his physical fitness. I have no idea where is he going and how does he get at that point. Although Rassel claims he is more patient than before, I feel like he is not. Anyway, @Rassel, you should take care of yourself.

Saint Louis, MO

Milwaukee, WI

Turkey Run State Park, IN

Chicago, IL

Champaign, IL

পাগলা হাওয়া

আজকে হঠাৎ তানভীরকে ফোন করলাম, আসলে হঠাৎ না বেপারটা, কালকে আমি এই সময়ে হ্য়ত ওর ঐখানেই থাকবো, তাই ফোন করেছিলাম। আসলে সেই কারনেও ঠিক ফোন করি নাই, ইচ্ছা হয়েছিল তা্ই ফোন করেছিলাম, কারন সব কিছু যখন হাসিবের ম্যানেজ করার কথা, তখন আমার কোন চিন্তা না করাই মনে হয় বুদ্ধিমানের কাজ হবে। ঠিক কথা হচ্ছিল না আমাদের মধ্যে। খানিক্ষনের নিরবতার পর কেউ একজন একটা কথা বলতেছিলাম, একসময় আমরা দুজনেই উপলব্ধি করতে পারলাম, আমরা আসলে ফোনে কথা বলার জন্যে খুবই বাজে কম্বিনেশন। শুধু শুনেও যে আড্ডা দেয়া যায়, তানভীর তার উজ্জল উদাহরন। আর আমি তো কখনঐ বিষয় খুজে পাই না। কেন জানি বেপারটা ইদানিং লেখার বেলাতেও হচ্ছে, আজকাল আর ঠিক বিষয় খুজে পাই না, আর একই নাকি কান্না করতে আর ভালও লাগে না। তাই লেখাও হয় আগের চেয়ে অনেক কম।

এইবার ইনশাল্লাহ অনেক জা্য়গা ঘুরে ফেলব এই দেশটার। ঘুরে বেড়াতে আমার ধারনা সবাই পছন্দ করে। তবে এত আয়োজন করে ঘুরে বেড়ানো আমার কখনই খুব পছন্দ না। তবে কি আর করা, এই দেশ আর তাতে আমার অবস্থান সব মিলিয়ে ঠিক আর আমাদের হঠাৎ ঘুরে বেড়ানটা আর ঠিক হয়ে উঠে না। ঠিক কি যেন একটা জিনিস নাই এই এক মাস আগে প্লেনে টিকেট কেটে ঘুড়তে যাওয়ার মধ্যে, যা ছিল হঠাৎ আলমের দোকান থেকে উঠে চলে যাবার মধ্যে। অনেক দুর দুরান্তে হয়ত যাচ্ছি, কিন্তু তবুও কি জানি একটা জিনিস নাই। উত্তেজনা হয়ত আছে, তবে তার অনেকটাই ঘুরতে যাচ্ছি বলে নয়, বরং একসাথে আবার সবাই হতে থাকতে পারব বলে, নতুন যায়গা বলে। হয়ত দ্বিতয়বার একই যায়গায় যাবার আর আগ্রহ থাকবে না। অথচ, আমি আরও হাজার বার আমাদের পুরন সব জা্যগায় যেতে পারি। শুধু দেশটার দোষ দিয়ে আর কি লাভ, আমরাও কি খানিকটা বদলে যাইনি?

আব্বুর সাথে কথা হচ্ছিল কালকে, বাবলী, আম্মু সবার সাথেই। কেমন যেন একটা অসহায় ভাব প্রকাশ পায়, আজকাল ওদের কথায়। কথায় কেমন যেন একটা ভাব। ওরাও হয়ত আজকাল একটু হতাশ। আমি নেই, বাবলীও হয়ত থাকবে না আর কয়েক দিন পরে ওদের কাছে। বরই বিচিত্র এই মনুষ্য জীবন!

It's 31th July

According to Dhaka time it is 31th, July around one am. Exactly one year before, I took the flight for United States from Dhaka. I have been here for one year, three sixty five days! I can’t believe! Time flies very fast, real fast. What I have done so far other than complaining about my life? Hard to find some real fruitful stuff! I am almost okay in my new place. The only problem is I am missing my buddies.

I got some new friends here, they are okay. Friends in later life are not same as high school friends of college friends. There is something about that time; friends from those days are crazy and it is real easy to find friends at that time. Having new friends is becoming difficult with the age. In fact finding new friend is not easy at this age. Anyway, I got some and they are cool.

I got a family here; they are superb and love them. They care about me a lot. Probably they are the best thing I have got here. I don’t know why, Maruf doesn’t like it and he tried to mock me lot of times. But I never care; even I don’t care of paying attention to him. I am always arrogant; I am more arrogant than I appear to be.

I am almost half way of my masters. I am half way of my research and course works. I am trying to wrap all my things in time. So far I think I am on schedule. I might need little bit extra pace next semester but so far I am okay. Course works are always easy part of the story. Research work is average. Project work is on schedule. Overall I am okay.

A kid

Sometimes, I feel like if could run away, if I could run away from myself, if I could run away from everything. Sometimes I feel like exactly that’s what I am doing; I am running away from myself, every single day, every single moment. People run after their future I run away from my present. God gave me almost infinite capability of being unhappy. No matter where I am, whatever I am doing, I can be unhappy. Some people are never happy with what they have. I am not one of those; trust me I am not one of those. I just get bored of what I have. I try to through them away to create the vacancy for new things regardless of what they are.

Somewhere in my mind there is still a kid. A kid who is mad of new toys but forget them as soon as he gets them. I love that kid, that stupid little kid, I can’t help. I just get bored of anything and everything. Please forgive me if it hurts you. Please forgive me; I cannot go beyond my limitations.

NB. I am not willing to talk about any content of this blog in person. If you have any question or comment about any content of this blog please feel free to leave a message here. I would appreciate if you don’t ask me/talk to me in person about it. If you don’t like what I say here please leave it alone. If you can’t stand my blog at all just feel free to tell me, I will take appropriate steps but please do not bug me!!!

Smoking

It was barely in my adolescence when I smoked for the first time. It was kind of exploring something new, something proscribed something different. It was kind of teenage appeal. I didn’t continue smoking at that time. It was random, fun and secret kind of thing. I lost interest of that fun very quickly and after that I never smoke until my college.

When I was in college I used to smoke occasionally but not too often. I was sort of regular smoker since my university life. My regular smoking started with John Player’s Gold Leaf. It was forty bucks at that time (two bucks per stick). It was hard to smoke Gold Leaf because it was a bit harsh. I used to smoke a lot at that time; around one to two packs a day. I used to torture my body at that time quite a lot so it got weak and I couldn’t stand it anymore. By the time, they had increased the price of Gold Leaf, so I had decided to switch to Benson & Hedges. It was very light compare to Gold Leaf. I was trying to be use to with the new brand. I used to smoke Benson & Hedges till I come to United States. That was a pretty long time.

Cigarettes are not that much available here and everyone needs a valid form of government ID card to confirm the age to buy cigarettes. It was kind of difficult for me to carry an ID with me all the time. So, I could not buy it all the time. After trying couple of brands I have started smoking Marlboro Light since I came here. But I used to start losing interest on cigarettes before coming here and unavailability intense the whole thing a little bit. After few months of regular smoking here, once again I become an occasional smoker.

Sometimes, it is really hard to stand the life here. On those days, I need cigarettes. I need cigarettes when I feel bad. I need cigarettes when I miss my friends. I need cigarettes when I think of my old days. I never try to quit smoking because of my health; personally I am not a big fan of the idea “living more by quitting life” but I don't want to kill the other people either.

bits and dots

I am feeling tired. I had a meeting this morning. It went well. Then she asked us to write a big report about what we have done so far including failure and success. It is not easy to summarize the effort of a whole year. That stupid big report is due tonight. I have not written a single line yet. I have been sitting in front this word document for two hours then I start writing these. I don’t feel like working now but I have to. Any task can be boring if there is a time constrains. We have the NSF thing on next week and then done. The good thing is everything is done by this month. That is the real good part of the story.

I am going to Chicago in the first week of August. I can’t concentrate on anything after I have booked the ticket for Chicago. For some reason I feel like I am going home :D. Funny, I have never been there before but still feel that way. I did a crazy thing other day when she approved the leave. I had started jumping and running in the hallway of computer science department. I was so excited that I didn’t even look for the better deal when I booked the ticket (But I believe I got a good deal even though my lab-mate doesn’t think so). Stupid little, little things called life!!!

Business-people

I have an interesting view about American life. Everything you can think of here, you can find some people who are willing to do those for you. Everything is business here. I have seen an interesting flyer yesterday; it was saying “proposing someone is not easy, and it is most memorable part of your life, so tell us and we will do the rest for you”. The most interesting flyer I have ever seen. They will create the environment for you to propose. I found it very hilarious. There are some business-people who are trying to make some money with this. I even could not imagine this kind service before.

Sometimes I feel like these business-people are making life more boring. They are willing to do almost everything you can think of. They left no challenge for common people. Life will eventually be boring without real challenge. Then the business people will again find some challenge for you then solutions again challenge and solutions, a circle. I feel like they are making people fool putting them in the circle and make money. There is no doubt they are extremely good at business. They can make a business almost out of nothing. They are really efficient, they are amazing people. I just staring at them with rolling eyes and my eyes keep rolling and rolling and rolling; sometimes I feel like they will pop out!!!

Stupid Research

I almost did nothing in last week. I am stuck in a step in my research. This stupid research is controlling everything now. If everything in research work fine then I am fine if not then I don’t know what happen to me, everything got screwed. I hate becoming stuck. I was trying to figure out a mathematic for the whole week and end result is zero. I don’t know how long it will take but it is killing me. The problem is I had not made any progress last week. Last week I had tried from different perspective but not much luck. It’s like I am getting stuck. I hate this state. Research sucks!

Weird weekend

This weekend was weird. I watched so many movies and all are master pieces. The weekend started with “The boy in the striped pajamas” then “Taxi Driver” and finally today “City of God” and “Schindler’s List”. The first and the last are about World War II and the intermediate twos are about two complete different life styles. The first and the last one should be in the must see list. The only thing common in all of them is violence. I like all of them.

I misbehaved with Pennsylvania girl today. I don’t know for some reason my stupid temperament got more stupid today and I said something really terribly bad. I really loosed my temperament. I always afraid my bad temper. It already brought lot of trouble in my life and I don’t want anymore. But I don’t want a girl in my life either. Anyway shit happens in life.

Data mining

Data mining is an interesting kind of thing. There is an equation for everything happen in the world. Data Mining is finding those equations. This is interesting kind of science. My lab called it pseudo science. Data Mining is kind of mixture of everything, most of the parts are maths then statistics then artificial intelligence and so. Dr. Gruenwald thinks it is a magic word to her students. Whatever it is, it is a good fun.

To me data mining is revealing the underlying truth from a phenomenon, the underneath truth hidden from rest of the world. The best part of the data mining is nobody knows the correct answer. In fact this is true for all kind of science. There is nothing called truth in science. Science is all about guessing, there is nothing called truth.

Most of my work is data mining related. If anybody ask me “why data mining?”, I use to answer because it is easy. Another thing in data mining is: we enjoy the liberty of doing whatever we like to do. Real life is wild enough. We always can find something that fits our model well. Once again, all models are wrong but some are useful. Our job is to find a good model that fits with real world. There is no end of improvement in this domain. As a security researcher my job is to build a model that can find the intruders. Fun and fancy! Isn’t it?

Accelerated Search for Gaussian Generator Based on Triple Prime Integers

Problem statement: Modern cryptographic algorithms are based on complexity of two problems: Integer factorization of real integers and a Discrete Logarithm Problem (DLP). Approach: The latter problem is even more complicated in the domain of complex integers, where Public Key Cryptosystems (PKC) had an advantage over analogous encryption-decryption protocols in arithmetic of real integers modulo p: The former PKC have quadratic cycles of order O (p2) while the latter PKC had linear cycles of order O(p). Results: An accelerated non-deterministic search algorithm for a primitive root (generator) in a domain of complex integers modulo triple prime p was provided in this study. It showed the properties of triple primes, the frequencies of their occurrence on a specified interval and analyzed the efficiency of the proposed algorithm. Conclusion: Numerous computer experiments and their analysis indicated that three trials were sufficient on average to find a Gaussian generator.

Appeared In Journal of Computer Science, 2009.

iPod Shuffle

I got a new iPod! interesting huh! I was planning to buy a new one since couple of months. Finally I have bought the new iPod shuffle. It is cool and interesting. It is almost what I like, small, elegant and simple. I am big fan of small and simple things. The new iPod shuffle is exactly what I want.

It comes with an interesting cool feature, voice over. Why do you need a display on an mp3 player? Maybe to navigate. Well it helps to navigate or other way it provides the knowing status of the device. Interesting they embed a talking module inside the new iPod shuffle so that it will read the device status to you and you will navigate based one that information. It may seem very weird at first but the idea is very cool. It seems weird at first glance because we are too habituated with our eyes for the navigation but it is possible to use other perceptional organs to percept information that might help. Interesting idea!

Sometimes, we forgot our eyes are not only perceptional organs. We rely on our eyes more than other perceptional organs. All the perceptional organs could be equally perfect if we start using them effectively. On this perspective I found this idea absolutely brilliant.

Rain in Dhaka

Thanks to Tinny for sending me this picture.

Fields Of Gold

You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Among the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in fields of gold

So she took her love for to gaze awhile
Among the fields of barley
In his arms she fell as her hair came down
Among the fields of gold

Will you stay with me will you be my love
Among the fields of barley
And you can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in fields of gold

I never made promises lightly
And there have been some that I've broken
But I swear in the days still left
We will walk in fields of gold
We'll walk in fields of gold

I never made promises lightly
And there have been some that I've broken
But I swear in the days still left
We will walk in fields of gold
We'll walk in fields of gold

Many years have passed since those summer days
Among the fields of barley
See the children run as the sun goes down
As you lie in fields of gold

You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Among the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in fields of gold
When we walked in fields of gold
When we walked in fields of gold

[Eva Cassidy][Youtube]

Boring Sundays

Sundays are boring without very few exceptions. So far most of my Sundays are boring, dull and stupid. In few Sundays I went to work just to feel better. But it is wise to work seven days a week. I believe it reduces the productivity. I try not to work on Sundays just to forget everything so that I can make a good start on Mondays with fresh ideas. The problem is if don’t do any work the twenty four hours become so huge that I just can’t find a way to spent such a huge day. Twenty-four-hours seems like an eternity to me.

It is almost 5 o’clock. I wake up around 7 or 8 today. Since then I am looking for something to do. I have spent almost nine hours without doing any tangible thing. I am so stupid. What I have done so far? I didn’t have breakfast because I was busy surfing internet (Swear! no important thing at all). I had lunch because I was feeling bad headache due to starvation. I took a shower before that. Then I start surfing again and till now I am doing that stupid thing. In Sundays I don’t even like to talk with others. Sundays are lazy, real lazy!

I am planning to cook some fish today. I have not been cooking since May. In fact I will not cook today either, I will just fry the fish. What else I could do? I have two ongoing projects, I will not tell it now, but I don’t feel like working on any of them. I think I can do one thing; I can call my mom today. But I need to wait till ten o’clock for that. How about if I listen some music now? Let me try. Anyway Sundays are boring! dull! and stupid!

my boring stuff

blogger buzz

Tonight I feel like to write something, I am not sure what to write. So I was surfing other’s blog. I do it quite a lot. I love to read other people blogs. My reader account is full other blogs. Reading a blog is like experiencing the same thing the author does. Some people write so well that anybody just can feel acquainting the whole thing by reading their posts. Unfortunately I am not one of those fellows :( But at least I am trying; I am trying to picture my feelings, my experiences, my everyday life. Anyway, I found a post in blogger buzz. They have invited to write something and share with them. As usual, I wanna give it a shot!!!

My story! My story is pretty little. In fact I am a kid in blogger world compare to the other blogger. I am not a native English speaker; in fact I was terrified about this language when I was a kid. Actually this stupid language was a kind of phobia for me for a long time. At last time had come to learn it. I had practiced a lot at that time. I came across the blogger almost at similar time. So I had decided to practice the language publicly and blog seemed appealing to me to do that. But the problem was what to write on a blog? At that time I had read lot of technical blogs. So I got the idea: I will practice stupid english publicly by writing technical things. All of my early posts are about technical things.

I used to write dairy from my adolescence. Eventually I had started liking blogs. At that time I almost stopped writing technical things and started sharing other things. Eventually it becomes the space for me to share anything and everything. Almost every part of my life in last two years is here. It becomes my friend when I had moved to united states. It was the only friend of mine at those lonely days. My story is pretty simple; my story is all about having a lifelong good friend. I wish their every success. I wish blogger will be here forever. It is not for 10 years, not for 100 years, not for 1000 years, not for googol but forever.

... and one

I have tried so many things in my stupid life and I could not make any of them gracefully. Every time I start with enthusiasm and eventually I got distracted. Every time I start with the intention of having something different for that particular time and in reality it ends up at the same place. This is just stupid. Why I can’t make things happen? This time I don’t wanna be distracted. Concentrate! Concentrate!! Concentrate!!! One reason might be I talk more than I do. This is not good. I should do rather than just talk.

Hasib used to say I have interest on everything. At least I can say I tried lot of different things and most of them are abandoned in their respective premature states. I feel like I am in a cycle of starting something then move to a new one without finishing the old one; in fact, totally forgetting the old one. Personally I am not a big fan of knowing something superficially. Anyway I want a break; I want a break of this stupid cycle!!!

λαλιά

I was sleeping till 19:00 today, absurd!!! I was very tired. I had a long meeting yesterday with Dr. Gruenwald. Then I had prepared some materials for the project and finally I came home. Then I went to the Mall and finally I went for swimming at night, weird!!! Anyway I came back around 2:00 last night and went to the bed straight. It was a marathon meeting yesterday; we had started at 10:00 and finished at 15:30. Five and half hours!!!

I am having an interesting time now. I think Dr. Gruenwald starts liking me; the problem is: she starts liking me more than I deserve/expect. Life is like a box of chocolate, you never know what you are going to get. Every time, I wonder is this the same life I was living before, are they the same people I was meeting before.

I feel like I need a mentor who can advise me on some issues. Some issues I need to resolve very soon. The problem is I don’t take a single word without judging it. But I need some time when I don’t wanna think, I just wanna do. I feel like I am putting too much pressure on my stupid head. I am sitting in front of mystic window. I think I am falling in love with this window. How about go out for a walk? Bye for now…

Lookin' for love

I've spent a lifetime looking for you
Single bars and good time lovers, never true
Playing a fools game, hoping to win
Telling those sweet lies and losing again.

I was looking for love in all the wrong places
Looking for love in too many faces
Searching your eyes, looking for traces
Of what.. I'm dreaming of...
Hopin' to find a friend and a lover
God bless the day I discover
Another heart, lookin' for love

When I was alone then, no love in sight
And I did everything I could to get me through the night
Don't know where it started or where it might end
I turn to a stranger, just like a friend

I was looking for love in all the wrong places
Looking for love in too many faces
Searching your eyes, looking for traces
Of what.. I'm dreaming of...
Hopin' to find a friend and a lover
God bless the day I discover
Another heart, lookin' for love

You came a'knocking at my heart's door..
You're everything I've been looking for..

No more looking for love in all the wrong places
Looking for love in too many faces
Searching your eyes, looking for traces
Of what.. I'm dreaming of...
Now that I found a friend and a lover
God bless the day I discover
You, oh you, lookin' for love

In all the wrong places
Looking for love in too many faces
Searching your eyes, looking for traces
Of what.. I'm dreaming of...
Now that I found a friend and a lover
God bless the day I discover
You, oh you, lookin' for love

[Johnny Lee' 1980][Youtube][wiki]

চলে যাচ্ছে...

অনেকদিন কিছু লিখা হচ্ছে না, তাই আজ ভাবলাম কিছু একটা লিখি। পশ্চিমের জীবনে আমি এখন আগের চেয়ে অনেকটা মানিয়ে নিয়েছি। শুরুটা করি আমার নতুন আ্যপার্টমেন্ট নিয়ে। আমার নতুন আ্যপার্টমেন্টের অবস্হানটা বেশ চমৎকার, সামনে বিশাল খেলার মাঠ, আর একপাশে বিরাট ট্রেডিশান স্কয়ার, তার পাশেই একটা খোলা বাগানের মত জায়গা। আমার জানালা থেকে ট্রেডিশান আর বাগানের মত জায়গা দুটো্ই দেখা যায়। সব মিলিয়ে জায়গাটা বেশ চমৎকার। আ্যপার্টমেন্টের সামনে বেশ চমৎকার একটা বারান্দা। জায়গাটা এত সুন্দর যে দেখলেই মনটা ভাল হ্য়ে যায়। সব কিছুর পরও একটা জিনিসের বড় অভাব, জীবন না্ই কোনটাতেই, সব কেমন জানি মরা মরা। এত চমৎকার একটা জায়গা অথচ কোন মানুষ নাই তা দেখার জন্যে। এখানে সবাই খুব ব্যস্ত, ব্যস্ত আমিও, তাই সৌন্দর্য উপভোগ করার মত সময়টা প্রায়সই করা হয়ে ওঠে না।আমেরিকাতে বিউটি এর কোন অভাব নেই তবে তা উপভোগ করার মানুষের বড় অভাব।

ছুটির দিন গুলা কাটে খুব অদ্ভুত ভাবে, কিছুই করা হয়ে ওঠেনা। আসলে সপ্তাহের ক্লান্তি এত বেশী যে সপ্তাহ শেষে আর কিছুই করা হ্য় না। মাঝে মাঝে জানালায় বসে বসে জাবর কাটি, জাবর কাটি জীবনের ফেলে আসা অনেকটা পথ। উত্তাল সব দিন গুলোর কথা ভাবি। তপু ভাই মাঝে মাঝে জিঙ্গেস করত তুই কেন যাবি, আমি বলতাম ঘটনাডা কি একটু বুঝতে চাই। আসলে জীবনের কিছু উপলদ্ধি করার জন্যে বিদেশ যাওয়াটা জরুরী। অনেক চীরন্তন সত্য শুধু স্হান বদলের কারনে মিথ্যা হয়ে যায়, অনেক বিশ্বাস ভেঙে যায়, আরও অনেক কিছু। মানুষের সাথে কথা বলতেও আজকাল বড্ড ক্লান্ত লাগে, ইচ্ছে হয় না, এক ধরনের চাপা যন্ত্রনা হয়। মাঝে মধ্যে মনে হ্য় সব ছেরেছুরে চলে যাই, অনেক দুরে। যাওয়া হয় না, ফেরাও হয় না। এই সব ভাবতে ভাবতে ছুটির দিন গুলো চলে যায়, আমি আবার ছুটে চলি।

আজকে জানালায় বসে সূর্য অস্ত দেখতে দেখতে মনে হচ্ছিল, এটাত সেই একই সূর্য যা আমি শহীদ মিনার এ বসে দেখতাম, তবুও কেন এত অচেনা, এত দুরের মনে হ্য়। আসলে অনেক কিছুই এখন দুরের মনে হয়, নিজেকে মনে হ্য় বড় অচেনা। নিজেকে খুজে বেড়াই, খুজে বেড়াই নিজের হারান অতীত, এমন কোন মধুর হয়ত ছিল না, তবে অপরিচিতও ছিল না। আমি প্রতিনিয়তই নিজের কাছে অচেনা হয়ে যাচ্ছি, পুরোটাই যে স্হনের কারনে তা নয়, ক্ষানিকটা বয়সের কারনেও, আর বাকিটা সময়ের কারনে।

নদীর স্রোতের মত বয়ে যায় জীবন, আমিও ভেসে চলি অজানার উদ্দেশ্যে। আমার ভালই লাগে আমার এই জীবন, প্রতিদিন নতুন কিছু দেখছি, শিখছি। শুধু ক্লান্ত লাগে মাঝে মাঝে, এই যা! আমি অপেক্ষা করি, ক্লান্ত হই, আবার অপেক্ষা করি, আবার ক্লান্ত হই। মাঝে মধ্যে এই অপেক্ষা বড্ড ক্লান্তিকর মনে হয়, মাঝে মধ্যে মনে হয় এটাই জীবন, এরকমটাই তো হবার কথা ছিল, আমার বাবা, দাদা সবার বেলায় এরকমটাই হয়ত হয়েছিল, এটাই জীবন। আমি বেচে থাকি, আমি ভেসে চলি, আমি খুজেফিরি ... "জীবন"।

stupid questions!

I am feeling tired. I am feeling tired of my life. That’s my problem. I got tired of everything very quickly. Problems – solutions that’s my life. That’s my life for last nine months. Who knows how long I have to do these stupid things. Actually I am becoming bored. I need to find some more interesting problems. My stupid life runs after me all the time.

Why am I like this? Why am I so stupid? Why? Why?? Why??? Something never changes, something never changes for me. Am I looking for something? What am I looking for? Maybe, I am not looking for anything. When will I get all my answers? “The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind” Why am I writing all these? I just feel bad and this stupid blog is my old trusted friend. It has infinite time to listen my stupidity.

America taught me a very interesting thing “variation”. I love America because it is the place which offers the entire varieties of the world. A nation of nations. Maybe, my stupid questions will not only reverberate here some day they will bring some answers with them to me.

New Haircut

I got an interesting haircut!!! I had never trimmed my hair to this size before. The new look seems very funny to me.

Leave me alone!!!

I always try not to go to the places where I don’t like companies. I enjoy the company of some selected people. My mom used to say there are very few places I want to go. Actually she was not right; I want to go to lot of places but I want be with very few selected people. I would prefer to be alone than someone I don’t like. It was not big problem when I was in Bangladesh. Nobody except my mom complains about that. The problem is more severe here. I almost don’t like any social gatherings. I barely attend any party. I just don’t like to be with them.

Those are too stereotyped. The same people, same talking everything are same except the time. Usually I don’t attend these parties. But today I went to Dr. Atiq’s place. It was one of those same stupid gathering. The problem is some folks always talk about politics, some talk about problems, and some talk about other random things. My problem is I don’t have anything to talk about. So, I keep listening and listening and listening.

This is the first time I went to Dr. Atiq’s place. He invited me couple of times but I didn’t go there. This time I went there otherwise it would not be nice at all. So I had decided to go there. I don’t understand why they invite me? They know very well I don’t enjoy it at all.

...look closer

Human beings are wonderful creation of God. Every human being is just wonderful. Every human being has something very original, something very beautiful in him/her. It’s my stupidity if I fail to notice it. It is my duty to identify it and appreciate it. It’s my responsibility to learn from it. If I fail to get it, I will lose something. I’ll miss a wonderful thing. It really doesn’t matter to him/her. Human beings are colorful butterfly. It is really stupid to judge someone. There is no such a thing, no such metric that can judge a human.

I wish if I could build a scrapbook where I would put the names and beauties and how I saw them of all the human beings I have ever met in my entire life. Sometimes I feel tempted to write something here in my blog about some peoples. But I feel like it is not a good idea to write something like that. Because the way I see them is very personal. They are partially real and partially my creation. I believe every human being is partially real and partially imagination to another one. “American Beauty” is one of my all time favorite. It portrays a wonderful picture of beauty. The beauty is not something an object has it is something you have to put on an object.

I am excited!!!

I have been trying to sleep for last two hours. Sometimes nothing helps. I had kind of insomnia. But apparently I am good since last year. I feel like I couldn’t sleep tonight. I guess this is not because of insomnia this is because of something else. This is because I am very excited; I am very excited about my research. Today is one of those “aha” moments for student like me.

I have run myriad of computer experiment today. Finally my experiment shows absolute harmony with my theory and my theory supports my assumptions perfectly. So now I have theory build on mathematics and statistics and I have computer experiments based on real data. The best part is both of them agree with each other. It seems like I found something interesting.

If I fail to find any new problem before Tuesday morning I am going to present my results to Dr. Gruenwald and another professor from other university (I forgot the name :( ). Let see what is waiting till Tuesday.

Bangladeshi-American

I came across some first generation/ second generation Bangladeshi-Americans here. I really feel pity for them. My intension is not to offend anyone rather express my feelings. Specially, I feel bad for the innocent kids. I feel like they are kind of confused, they are suffering for identity crisis. They don’t know what they are doing, where they really belong, what fantasy culture they are exercising.

South-Asian culture is very different from other parts of the world. They possess a kind of conservative culture. Actually they had a kind of conservative culture. But now things become changed. That conservative culture doesn’t exist even in South-Asia because of globalization. If I say it is only because of globalization then it seems like I am condemning other cultures. Other cultures spoil our culture. But that is not the truth. Globalization is a reason but to me the change was kind of obligatory. The change was obligatory because of time and pace. Night clubs, Bars are becoming popular in Dhaka. These are not problems, these are the changes. Ten years back from now, a pre-marriage relationship was kind of humiliating, people tried to hide out these issues but now it is not like before. Now-a-days having no pre-marriage relationship is more humiliating. Things have changed a lot. But Bangladeshi-American culture is quite interesting.

I clearly see two categories here. The first group tries to adopt the American culture. The problem is people always adopt the bad things first. So, this group adopts all the bad part of American culture. And of course they adopt some good parts also. In order to be more American some even start denying their origin. The problem is if you don’t have an origin you can’t draw a circle. They don’t know their boundary.

The second group tries hard and soul to hold the culture. The problem with that, they are completely unaware of the changes and the real world. They practice an imaginary culture that even doesn’t exist. Most of the cases the culture they practice is just an exaggeration. To me, they live in a prison cell. Nothing changes their life, not Bangladesh, not America, nothing. They love to stay in dark and that is their culture.

Of course there are some minor variations. Some really do not care any of these two; some have a weird mixture and so on. They all have their different life style. I found both of the extreme variation very funny. I know a Bangladeshi-American being who hates brown skin again I know another one who wants to be a perfect Bangladeshi but doesn’t know how it really is. Surely we don’t want any of these for our future generation. If I don’t know my culture I’ll never know any other culture as well.

Note: I tried the keyword Bangladeshi-American and found the wiki page. In the right side there are couples of photos and I was curious about the rightmost one in the bottom and found she is a porn star. ha ha ha...