Rassel's Wedding

I had to go to Florida to attend Rassel's wedding. My best buddy's wedding! Me and Hasib met in Memphis and went to Florida together to attend Rassel's wedding. It was super fun. Here is our newly married couple. Please wish them good luck!

Pixie story! once again!!!

She was in my dream today! How long it gonna take to let her go? I guess some faces are so pretty to go away. I never tried to forget her, I never tried to remember her either. She was just there. She was so real in my dream I could even feel her breath. Huh! why she is still there? Do I still have some feelings for her? Do I still feel her? I have a wife now! Do I love my wife? I never thought that. I get the idea that love is a fool's game. I don't believe in love anymore. All I believe in life. Then, why did I wake up at 7 AM in the morning and blogging about pixie then? Pixie was my destiny! At least I believed so :( and now I am here, so far from everything. Sometimes I feel like I lost my way, I am confused and I don't know what I am doing. I am doing so many things to make my life. I think somewhere something is missing, a big part of my life, what is it? 

I was told a famous quote that marry the one who loves you, not whom you love; I did so and now I am here blogging at 7 AM in the morning. What a destiny! I guess this is not all that fun. It hurts, it sucks as well. My wife! Yes she is nice, she is an wonderful lady, she loves me a lot. I am the one who is faking love. I think I lost the sense of love long time back, or maybe I never had it at all. I am just a messed up kid in the town. I should never have a family. I should never have friends. I am a loner! 

Thinking about friends, I used to think why I don't have so many friends from my school? I used to think, probably it is because I changed schools too much, this is not true. I have the realization that I can't keep friends. I have created an enormous gap between me and some of my best friends these days. Why am I doing this? I just don't know how to keep them. I am such a loser. Interestingly I was talking to mom last week and she was saying my dad doesn't have lot of friends either. I think this is my gene! Huh gene! I wish if it could brought something different for me! Life is never what I want for me. 

Thinking about family, I pretty much messed up with the family as well. I married to a girl without taking concerns of any of my friends and family and interestingly I don't love her either. So my family is not all that happy. On the top of that I went crazy on my father last week and the situation become gloomy and ugly now. Mom stopped telling things. 

Am I messing up everything pixie? Why is that? Am I overestimated me? But there is no such thing overestimation in my life. I love to push me even harder? Am I really doing Something worth doing! I feel tired! I think I should go back to sleep, or I should take a shower. I am not one of those who are always in love with their past, I love to explore my future; but sometimes I still miss some pretty faces. Some pretty faces are hunting me down. Sometimes I feel like something still left inside me for pixie, something very unusual, the love of my life. Or she fucked me up so badly, I still cannot forget her. She is the one, she is my pixie.

Stupid Zafar got married!!!

I can’t believe stupid Zafar got married!!! I don’t know what I to say :( He sent me an email with subject “Mama got married today...You now get married too .. do not wait for me... you wont get me :D” damn man!!! Fall of another wicket :( I still can’t believe it! Whom I will discuss my stupid philosophies, my pointless arguments :( I should not be sad, I should be happy, “May Allah bless them”. When Dew got married I was not shocked much because he was a kind of family guy. But this time, I am really shocked. We were like brothers. I still can see those sleepless nights in Polashi, in Shahid Minar. All the best my wishes for his conjugal life! We always used to say, if we were gay we would probably marry each other. Unfortunately we are not :( I am unfortunate because I believe no girl would understand me like he does.

Keokradong/ Tazingdong

This is Shankho

Mountain was my first love. I was kind of addict of Bandarban when I was in Bangladesh. Rassel and I have a plan to build an old home in Bandarban and spent last days of our life there. Funny! I know it is funny, maybe it never gonna be true. So what? Is it necessary to make everything happen? We love hills, we love to dream, what else?

I was reading Salehin’s blog today. He just came after finishing a successful trekking in Keokradong/ Tazingdong. These are the places takes my breath away. For some reason I feel a weird connection with these hilly regions. Anyway, Salehin wrote a wonderful article. If you are still confused, why I love that place so much, read his article. Now I am asking you, why I wouldn’t love that place? Here is a slide show composed of photos taken by him.

SHIBLEE

"i feel like i don't belong here........... i belong to somewhere else.......... majhe majhe ichche kore more jai.......... i just want to die..............but whenever i thing about it then seven pictures popped up in my mind.............. S=shonkho nodi H=holud shari in pohela fhalgun I=Ice cream B=bandorban L=Lal golap on valentinesday E=ekushe february E=elo melo BRISHTII !! I just can't die because of these........i can't.................. i love them.......i love them a lot...."

I have nothing to say. Creative people! By the way, I have copied the above paragraph from a blog. Some are really creative.

I better be alone

I am feeling worst. Sometimes, I feel like, it is very true that everything is not for everyone. People like me, a stupid whore, should not go for any kind of relationship. Truly speaking, this is not for me, this is not for the people like me. I better be alone, for some reason these kind of things don't work with me. These are not my forte. I am seriously thinking about something different now. Something very different! I am feeling bad, very, very bad. But the good thing is US life not gonna let you leave much room for feelings. Thats the good part of it. Thats why they feel free to attach or detach a emotional bondings.

One interesting thing, maybe not much context sensitive but still i got to say it. When I was getting back from Philadelphia one guy sat beside me. We were introduced very quickly. And suddenly he asked me, “Do you have anyone significant in Bangladesh?” I said, “Yes, my father, mother, brother, bla, bla, bla....” He replied, “Yes but I mean significant! Like Girl-friend, finance or wife?” I replied, “No, not really.” But think about what does the word significant mean? Anyway, probably significant something is not for me. I better be alone.

Philadelphia!

Philly! At last, I was there at Saturday morning and I came back at Sunday night. It was kind of crazy. It was very much alike of our quick tours in Bangladesh. But this time I was alone. I missed you guys! Of course, I am talking about Rassel and Hasib. Who else I can talk about? Un-planed, quick tour! Who else can dare?

Wow! I like Philadelphia very much. It is kind of old fashioned, kind of haphazard, and kind of serene, overall it is lovely. For some reason, it seems like Barisal city to me. I know it is not but it has weird similarity with Barisal city in some perspective like chaos and peoples. I bet; Rassel and Hasib both of you will like this city.

Philadelphia trip is one of those little things that make life colorful. It was one of those best things happen in my life. I believe it is. Even though it was kind of crazy and hectic, it was great for me. I should be great full to this country. I am looking forward to make it happen.

Cursed or Blessed?

I don’t know why people love me. I have received a phone call from Bangladesh today. It was our former caretaker! His name is “Shajahan”. I never thought that I would receive a call from him. He just called me to know how I am doing here in new situation. I know his condition very well. He is one poorest citizen among the poor in our country. It was very unlikely to receive a call from him. And I heard that he had sacked from his job recently. I don’t know how much it cost to him but I am pretty sure it was the cost of his one meal.

There is nothing to expect from me. He called me just because he does care of me nothing else! I am the bastard don’t know how to love or even how to respect other love. Surely I do not deserve it. Actually his call made me mortified. And you know he is not the only one. There are so many “Shajahan”s in my country do care for me. I received enormous love from so many people. Sometime their love seems burden to me. I don't know why people love me? Is this the curse or bless? I don’t know. Sometime I feel like they are the curse because I can’t recompense their love. Sometime I feel blessed because I know they expect nothing from me. Not even love.

I live to hate

I don’t know how I become a sadist day by day. These days I get cruel satisfaction after evil deeds. What I am sadist? Yes it is. I become a sadist. I hurt people without any reason and it gives me contentment. Nothing is left in my heart except deep hatred. Hatred? Hatred to whom? Hatred to everyone? I told before, “I don’t know how to love.” So what left inside a heart? Hatred, profound hatred. Anyway I am not that much worst as it sounds. Still there is a good, juvenile human being inside me but that don’t know how to love as well… lolz…

I am telling all these because I hurt one today and after that I am not repentant. What I am doing is writing an article about what I deed. Is that cruelty? If it is then I am helpless. I can't do better than that. May be I become a sadist day by day and that’s what I don’t want to evade… :-( I am fine!!! I am fine!!! I am fine!!! I am fine!!! I am fine!!!

"Munia"

She is the cutest girl I have ever seen. You know, God is very much unfair with this girl or may be inverse, I don’t know. I like her so much, basically I like all the kids but she is very special to me. Sometime I wish if I had a girl like her. If I got the chance to choose one as my kid, I will choose "Munia".

Pixie Story never ends

I thought that the pixie story is over. But I was wrong pixie is still alive somewhere in my mind. Pixie is still resides somewhere in my city. How can I forget that pixie story? Pixie stories never ends; they remain in eternal space of time. They strike sometime like lightening. They remain alive. After long fucking years she is back in my life. I know the signs. I can hear her footsteps. I can’t resist. I am undone. This is my weakest point in the universe. I don’t know what to do. She makes me scattered every time she comes in my life. May be this is because I still love her may be something else. This is the only thing I can never deal with; this is the story where nobody can help me.

I will be fine if you never come again, I know I will be happier than ever if you come again. But please don’t make our life more complicated, Please keep them simple. Anyway let see what happens on coming days!!!

Stream of life

Well, I am being asked by few of my friends about version. This is something funny of course. But there is an inane reason behind it. I just track down major changes in my life. Like version control software. Ok, let me explain a little bit more.

Human being reacts differently with different situation. Even in same kind of situation they may react differently. This is not unusual. And this is not guilt. This cannot be hypocrisy at all. Most of the reaction of human being depends upon time and available information. Ummm, let me explain with an example.

I encounter different things like chocolate, ice-cream, toys etc at our everyday life. But these things do not bring same sort feeling or eagerness. Like once I want to have them every time I saw them. But now these bring nothing inside me. I just want to tell that none of them is false, none of them is lie. Both of them are my feelings. It is time which makes may reaction different. So, the most important conclusion is, if I love you today that do not mean I can’t hate you tomorrow. Again If I hate you tomorrow that does not mean my yesterday was false or I am a hypocrite.

In course of life, people encounter different situation and deceive knowledge from them. And this knowledge helps to decide in future situation. You may achieve some sort of experience that insists you react differently in same kind of situation. This is not crime, this is natural human behavior. Human beings are changing. Only dead body cannot change. This version control phenomenon is just like the same. It just remind me that “How I think that day?” I am trying to notice every major changes in my life, that’s it nothing else.

I will end up with a weird experience of my life. Once I had a friend. At the certain age of our relation I realize that I love her. We spend lot of our time together. And after a certain time later I realize that I don’t love her anymore. But this is my arrogance that perceives me that this is crime. None of us changed. Why don’t you love her anymore? You are a nasty hypocrite. So I always think that I love her. But it was a mistake. Still I don’t know what change my feelings? But I least I can say that none of them was false, none of them was fake. They are just different responses of different time from same person toward same human being.

My First Love...

When I first meet her I was too young to fall in love. After that it takes five long years to see her again. In that time I grow up and become a young man. It was my sixth semester in university when I meet her again. It was a sublime week of my life. She embraces me with her evergreen beauty. I always think that I will never let her go, but I can’t carry her with myself. I live in one of the busiest city in Bangladesh. It was my pleasure trip. So I have to leave her. Not for ever because I know she will always be there with all her charms for me. She did not give me any stringent deadline, but I always feel I should not belong to this city, I am supposed to somewhere else. And within one month I left towards her again. Right that moment I feel nothing can be stymie between us. Probably it was my first love. First love is something that never expires in a man’s life. I still feel those days. Those are the great asset of my life. In my small life, those days are like storm which leaves me as raped young girl. The most important things, it gives me a different perspective, I learn to think differently, and I just noticed that there is lot of things out there; only the blessed one can have them. It releases my mind from parochial point of career. Alas! I am not a blessed one.

"where it begins"

...to be continued