Where Peaceful Waters Flow

Restless hearts, it has been a long time,
Out here on the journey, for a glimpse of paradise,
It's getting hard to find a place to go,
Where peaceful waters flow;

I took a walk past the old saxon well,
Down by the cathedral, I heard the chapel bell,
And joined the people singing for a way to go,
Where peaceful waters flow;

And if you don't know by now, you never will,
Only love can find the door,
If you could see it now, it's in your hands,
Only love can reach the shore, to heaven,

Always, she is standing by my side,
She's my inspiration, and she's my battle cry,
And in her arms is the only place I know,
Where peaceful waters flow;

And if you don't know by now, you never will,
Only love can find the door,
If you could see it now, it's in your hands,
Only love can reach the shore, forevermore,
Where peaceful waters flow...

[Chris de Burgh][Youtube]

For some reason it reminds me the only place. For some reason the whole song takes me to the only place which is always there for me. The place where I can have a sound sleep, where I get absolute love, unconditional forgiveness, where I get everything I ever want. Where I can confess, where I can cry. The only woman whom I can depend. - Mama please take me back inside...

বুড়ো হয়ে যাচ্ছি!

ভাল লাগতেছে না। ইদানিং কেমন যেন কাজ না থাকলে ভাল লাগে না। লাইফটা দিন দিন আরও বিচ্ছিরি হয়ে যাচ্ছে। ভাবতেছি, লাইফ নিয়ে চিন্তা করাই ছেরে দিব। যা হবার হবে। আর ভাল লাগে না, মনে হচ্ছে বয়স বেড়ে যাচ্ছে হু হু করে। আগের মত আর বেহিসেবি হতে পারি না, কেন যেন। চলে যাচ্ছে জীবন। আসলে গত কয়েকদিন সকাল থেকে মধ্যরাত পর্যন্ত কাজ করতে হয়েছে। বাংলাদেশে অনেক কিছু হয়ে গেছে এর মধ্যে। আজকাল আর উৎসাহ পাই না বিদ্রোহে। আগে বিদ্রোহের কথা শুনলে কেমন যেন উত্তেজনা আসত, এখন আর আসে না। আচ্ছা আমি কি বুড়ো হয়ে যাচ্ছি? আচ্ছা, ওরা কেন বিদ্রোহ করেছিল? ধুর ভাবতে ভাল লাগতেছে না। আমি কি আত্বকেন্দ্রিক হয়ে যাচ্ছি? কি জানি এক সময়ত মনে হত, সবার জন্য কিছু একটা অন্তত করি। কি জানি আমি হয়ত আমেরিকান হয়ে যাচ্ছি। নিজেকে নিয়ে বেচে থাকা, আত্বকেন্দ্রিক জীবন।

অনেকদিন বৃষ্টিতে ভেজা হয় না। আজকে দুপুরে খুব বৃষ্টিতে ভিজতে ইচ্ছা হচ্ছিল। ঢাকার বসন্ত বাতাসে মনে হ্য় এখন বারুদের গন্ধ। ঢাকার বসন্ত গুলা কেন যেন বারুদের গণ্ধ নিয়ে শুরু হয়। ঢাকার বসন্তের বাসন্তি হাওয়া! আমার ধারন বুয়েটের কোকিল গুলার সব মাথা খারাপ, ওগুলি সারা বছর ডাকাডাকি করত। সারা বছরই ওদের বসন্ত। ঢাকাতে খুব শিগ্গিরি একদিন এই বছরের প্রথম বৃষ্টি হবে। একবার বসন্তে, বছরের প্রথম বৃষ্টিতে তিন/চার ঘন্টা ভিজেছিলাম। তারপর ভয়াবহ জ্বর!!! ঢাকা ইউনিভার্সিটিতে তখন নতুন একটা ক্যাফে চালু করছিল, নামটা মনে করতে পারতেছি না। খোলা যায়গায়, ঐ ক্যাফেতে বসে, কফি খাইলাম আর ভিজলাম।

আজকে আসলে ভাল লাগছে না। আমার কেমন যেন যন্ত্রনা হচ্ছে। মনে হচ্ছে বাড়ি ফিরে যাই। আসলে আমি আর আগের মত পারি না। তখন কেমন যেন অসহায় লাগে নিজেরে। আর কত কম্প্রমাইজ করব নিজের সাথে? বড্ড ক্লান্ত লাগে। গত কয়েকদিন বিড়ি খাওয়াও ছেড়ে দিয়ে ছিলাম, আজকে আবার খুব ইচ্ছে করতেছে, কেন যেন। ভাল লাগে না। আমি এখন আর কারও দলে না, না বিদ্রোহি, না শোষক, আমি এখন আমার দলে। নিজেকে নিয়ে নিজের এক ভীষন দল। আমি সেই দলের মুকুহীন রাজা, আবার খেটে খাওয়া প্রজা। আমই শাষন করি, আমই শোষন করি, আমই আগলাই রাখি। বড় বিচিত্র আমার রাজ্য। বড্ড আম্মুর কাছে যেতে ইচ্ছা করে!!! ধুর, বাল এগুলা কি লিখতেছি? I'm sorry!!!

Boys don't cry!!!

Fun in mathematics!

Are we rational? Better rephrase it, am I rational? Its a very good question. But if I try to investigate from philosophical point of view then the very next question is “What is rationality?”. Couple of days ago I was working with free will paradox or Newcomb's paradox. It is a famous old problem. Do we have free will? Well, why not approach this problem in a completely different fashion. Let say, we got a guy, very religious. To be more specific we allow a religious Muslim guy to play the game where the fictitious being is God. Obviously we know the answer. This is because our player believes that the being knows his moves pretty accurately. Arguments for choosing both of the boxes not gonna work here. Because in our case the being is pretty accurate and more strong argument is our player believes that the being accurate.

Now the question becomes, is our player rational? Well, I am gonna argue that our player is completely rational and he made the maximum return out of the game. To prove that our player made the maximum return out of the game all we have to show is his decision was rational. If he is a rational person then obviously the return is maximum [Game Theory]. Now the whole things turns into rationality of our fictitious player. If I take the favor defining rationality in such a way that the model of rationality proves our player rational then we are done.

Every human being can be characterize by few parameters. The value of those parameters may vary from man to man. Some try to achieve materialistic goal some go for the spiritual. It differs from person to person. No one is more rational than other. Everyone is rational from their own perspective. Hence, by carefully choosing those parameters for our fictitious player we can make him religious which is obviously rational also. Now using this model for rationality we can go a step ahead of it. Every interaction between human and other entity can be define by their individual rationality. Hence if we can model rationality for each of the entity in this universe then a suitable mathematical model of this universe can be obtained. One the other way if we can model the primitive stage then the current world model can be derived after finite number of derivation steps. Therefore, there is a possibility for the mathematical model of this universe.

[All models are wrong but some are useful. - George E. P.] :D

Bangladesh Night

Yesterday, Student Association of Bangladesh (SAB) celebrated Bangladesh Night. It was famous International Mother Language Day. It is hard to feel the attachment with those martyr after so many years but I have kind of weird attachment with Shaheed Minar. It was kind of soothing place for me when I was in BUET. Every time, when I was distracted I used to be there. I was feeling like I am in the safest place in Dhaka city. I am with some people those are crazy. I am pretty sure, most of them didn't know what they were going to do. I know Bangladeshi people! They are crazy.

I am not a cultural guy but still when I was in BUET I felt connected with such cultural performance. For some reason, I am unable to feel connected with these guys. I am not suppose to be here. I feel like, I am not one of 'em. I don't belong to 'em. Obviously, this is my bad. I am not comfortable with the people not like me. I was feeling so disconnected with them. Anyway, this is my life, this is me! But I was amazed yesterday, there was almost four hundreds Bangladeshi. It was great, seeing so many Bangladeshi together.

On the top of all these it was a bad day for me. I could not sleep in previous night. I went for work at the morning. The last nail in the coffin came at night. It was kind of freaking for me. I crept on my bed for the whole night. I was feeling so dejected that I could sleep at all. I turned all my electronic gadget off. I was wanted to be alone. But I had not thought of such a freaking repercussion. I am going insane.

I don't wanna loose anymore

Life sucks! Am I worth of anything? Who cares? I feel like I am a crap, a complete crap. Sometimes, I feel like I should try all the good things to go to the heaven. If I can go there, surely I will ask him one thing, “Why he always makes my life more complicated?” I feel like I need some sleep, sound sleep. I am tired. I am tired of life. I am tired of all these things. “Mama, please take me back inside.” :( I am tired of myself. Is it just with me or everybody else? Maybe, all are good at faking it. I am not :( I’m not!

I am missing my home a lot, today. I am missing my mom, my dad, my crazy younger brother, my friends, my hometown, everything. “I have never been such homesick than now.” I can’t concentrate on anything. I don’t know what to do. Please God! Help me! I wanna concentrate. Please! I feel like, I am just a wrong person at wrong time in wrong place. When do I learn to hold something? I am a stupid whore…

Here I Go Again

I dont know where Im going
But, I sure know where Ive been
Hanging on the promises
In songs of yesterday
An Ive made up my mind,
I aint wasting no more time
But, here I go again
Here I go again

Tho I keep searching for an answer,
I never seem to find what Im looking for
Oh lord, I pray
You give me strength to carry on,
cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An here I go again on my own
Goin down the only road Ive ever known,
Like a hobo I was born to walk alone
An Ive made up my mind
I aint wasting no more time

Im just another heart in need of rescue,
Waiting on loves sweet charity
An Im gonna hold on
For the rest of my days,
cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An here I go again on my own
Goin down the only road Ive ever known,
Like a hobo I was born to walk alone
An Ive made up my mind
I aint wasting no more time

But, here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go...

An Ive made up my mind,
I aint wasting no more time

An here I go again on my own
Goin down the only road Ive ever known,
Like a hobo I was born to walk alone
cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An here I go again on my own
Goin down the only road Ive ever known,
Like a hobo I was born to walk alone
An Ive made up my mind
I aint wasting no more time...

But, here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go,
Here I go again...

[Whitesnake' 1987][Wiki][Youtube]

I better be alone

I am feeling worst. Sometimes, I feel like, it is very true that everything is not for everyone. People like me, a stupid whore, should not go for any kind of relationship. Truly speaking, this is not for me, this is not for the people like me. I better be alone, for some reason these kind of things don't work with me. These are not my forte. I am seriously thinking about something different now. Something very different! I am feeling bad, very, very bad. But the good thing is US life not gonna let you leave much room for feelings. Thats the good part of it. Thats why they feel free to attach or detach a emotional bondings.

One interesting thing, maybe not much context sensitive but still i got to say it. When I was getting back from Philadelphia one guy sat beside me. We were introduced very quickly. And suddenly he asked me, “Do you have anyone significant in Bangladesh?” I said, “Yes, my father, mother, brother, bla, bla, bla....” He replied, “Yes but I mean significant! Like Girl-friend, finance or wife?” I replied, “No, not really.” But think about what does the word significant mean? Anyway, probably significant something is not for me. I better be alone.

Philadelphia!

Philly! At last, I was there at Saturday morning and I came back at Sunday night. It was kind of crazy. It was very much alike of our quick tours in Bangladesh. But this time I was alone. I missed you guys! Of course, I am talking about Rassel and Hasib. Who else I can talk about? Un-planed, quick tour! Who else can dare?

Wow! I like Philadelphia very much. It is kind of old fashioned, kind of haphazard, and kind of serene, overall it is lovely. For some reason, it seems like Barisal city to me. I know it is not but it has weird similarity with Barisal city in some perspective like chaos and peoples. I bet; Rassel and Hasib both of you will like this city.

Philadelphia trip is one of those little things that make life colorful. It was one of those best things happen in my life. I believe it is. Even though it was kind of crazy and hectic, it was great for me. I should be great full to this country. I am looking forward to make it happen.

I am a stupid

Am I crazy? Sometimes! Am I mad? Well, some people call me mad! Am I stupid? Probably! It is hard to differentiate between stupidity and craziness. So, it is okay for me if you say, I am a stupid. But still, what is life without craziness, what is life without madness. Rassel use to say we always search for stability. Maybe we do but we do it in a crazy and stupid way. Most funny part is: we keep searching for something that we don’t know. That’s stupidity. Still, what’s life without the quest of something that never gonna happen, that is not real. What else I have except my stupidity.

People find happiness in very different ways; maybe in power, maybe in money, love and lot of other way. I am not saying that I don’t want those. I want those still I love my stupidity. Every time, my stupidity takes my breath away, my intelligence never did that with me, that my life, that’s how moments are counted in my life. Maybe, I am not as good as most of you in calculation but still I am fine. I am happy with my stupidity. What else I have?

Research papers!

Only thing I learn in my US life is how to find research papers and how to read them. It is really difficult to say how many papers I have read so far. Dr. Gruenwald has a style of reading papers. After reading a paper she expects you will be able to find the downfall of the strategy. Actually, not only Dr. Gruenwald, all the professors expect same way. Dr. Hougen is one step ahead of it. He expects you will be able to criticize the paper both positively and negatively. On an average, I read two papers per day. Then, I have to report Dr. Gruenwald about those papers. Guess! What worse thing could happen in life?

Actually, we didn’t read much research paper in our style of education in Bangladesh but they do here from the very beginning. So, we have to learn it when we get here. This is an important thing we should add in our academia. I think it is very important part of scientific study. If you can’t criticize other’s work you will not be able to produce your own. Reading a research paper is a good fun once you get on it. One of my tips for reading research paper is: forget about the authors when you are reading; even the giants write craps.

Still I'm Sad

See the stars come joining down from the sky
Gently passing they kiss your tears when you cry
See the wind the summer blow your hair upon your head
See the rain, the falling rain, it's great
Still i'm sad

All my sounds my tears just fall into days
They are driving the night will find they are lost
Now i found the wind is blowing time into my heart
When the wind blows hard we are apart
Still i'm sad

See the stars come joining down from the sky
Gently passing they kiss your tears when you cry
See the wind the summer blow your hair upon your head
See the rain, the falling rain, it's great
Still i'm sad

Still i'm sad
Oh heart, i'm sad
Still i'm sad
Oh heart, i'm sad

[Jim McCarty & Paul Samwell-Smith' 1965][Youtube]

A Woman's Heart

A woman's heart is filled with passion,
A woman's heart is filled with lust,
If you don't believe that these things happen,
Could be the biggest mistake that a man can make;

A woman's night is filled with dreaming,
Of the perfect man who may not be you,
If we don't see what she's been missing,
Could be the biggest mistake that a man can make,

She wants to get near to you,
Don't turn her away,
She wants to get through to you,
She wants to say;

Give me your night,
And I will show you my passion,
Give me your lust,
And I will drink you dry,
Give me your dreams,
And I will show you a lover,
Give me your heart,
and I will hold you close,
And I will love you till the day I die.

A woman's day is filled with longing,
For a little romance and company,
If we don't look or just don't listen,
Could be the biggest mistake that a man can make;

A woman's heart is yours forever,
She will be true, to the one in her life,
If we don't give her love and affection,
Could be the biggest mistake, that a man can make.

She wants to get near to you,
Don't turn her away,
She want's to get through to you,
She want's you to say;

Give me your night,
And I will show you my passion,
Give me your lust,
And I will drink you dry....

Give me your dreams,
And I will show you a lover,
Give me your heart,
and I will hold you close,
And I will love you till the day I die.

She wants to get near to you,
Don't turn her away,
She want's to get through to you,
She want's you to say,

Give me your night
And I will show you my passion,
Give me your lust,
And I will drink you dry....

Give me your dreams,
And I will show you a lover,
Give me your heart,
and I will hold you close,
And I will love you till the day I die.

[Chris de Burgh][Youtube]

Insomnia!

Sometimes, it really sucks! I feel like I need some sleeping pills today. I am missing sleeping pills after a long break. I know I even can’t close my eyes tonight. It is really difficult to express exactly how it feels. You know Life! Life is an interesting thing. You never know what is waiting for you. So many uncertainties are there or I am simply too dumb to predict. Insomnia has a weird relationship with life. It will strike a chord when you feel like you need some rest, you need some sleep. I am tired! I am too tired! I need some sleep! Some sound sleep! Please God! allow me some!!!