Sluggish Days

Another! Worthless Day. Now-a-days I am doing nothing. No specific plan, not much move, more or less I am passing inactive days. My VISA is not confirmed yet. I don’t know how much time it will take. I can’t concentrate on other things; it’s like pain in the ass. Anyway, hopefully everything will be fine.

I stop going office. I thought I would take some rest before I leave Bangladesh. So, I have decided to stay at home. Everything was fine except that “Administrative task”. Live is going without any ups and downs. May be I should do something more fruitful but I don’t know what it is.

Boris Verkhovsky is now busy with a conference. So I don’t have anything to do right now. See, I have nothin’ to do right now. It seems like God want me to pass idle time. I donno what to do? I am not enjoying!!! I am pissed off, very very pissed off!!! (My friends laughed at me because they think I am always pissed off, actually such things always happen to me. what can I do best?)

Dishonesty in our blood

I have another post with same title. Actually it is the follow up of that story. The project was big enough and I was not the only guy working on that project. In fact I was not the key person of that project. Finally I didn’t make that deal. I asked that entrepreneur to go to appropriate authority for the product. And I gave him the proprietor’s cell number. He went to him and tries to negotiate with the price. But I guess he didn’t have any intention to buy it in proper way. Hopefully he met other key persons there.

I guess among them few know about my blog and read my previous post. They understand the whole thing. After few days, I got a sms it says, “Very interesting, anyway I am interested.” I was lil bit stunned then finally I ignore that sms with the conclusion that he is kidding. But I was wrong. He was seriously interested about the whole thing. After two or three days he made a call. He says that he is interested about the whole things. And he is ready to deliver the product with lil customization and he wants me arrange the whole thing.

I was shocked. I didn’t expect it from him. He is respectable guy, still I respect him. But it was unnecessary. May be there was some strong reason to do that at that time. It was very small incident but it gives me exact idea about our psychology. How we think? How we act? I believe honesty is vague conception; it is depended on your current situation. But we should have some ethics which will decide what to do and what to not? I don’t know is that right or wrong but these are my believes.

This is a story about our software industry, programmer and businessmen. Surely this is a random incident; this is not the whole picture. Still our software industry is not matured and surely they will never be so. We are interested about short time profit not long time business. As I am a software engineer I know lot about this industry and the people related with the industry. I have another story based on one of my current colleague which is a different version with same theme. I will tell it later. Anyway, the main thing is we are responsible for your misfortune, we have to change ourselves. This is the time otherwise our next generation will spit on us.

NB: I am very sorry if I hurt you, but I didn't understand how do you feel I will agree with you?

Bohemian Rhapsody

Is this the real life-
Is this just fantasy-
Caught in a landslide-
No escape from reality-
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see-
Im just a poor boy,i need no sympathy-
Because Im easy come,easy go,
A little high,little low,
Anyway the wind blows,doesnt really matter to me,
To me

Mama,just killed a man,
Put a gun against his head,
Pulled my trigger,now hes dead,
Mama,life had just begun,
But now Ive gone and thrown it all away-
Mama ooo,
Didnt mean to make you cry-
If Im not back again this time tomorrow-
Carry on,carry on,as if nothing really matters-

Too late,my time has come,
Sends shivers down my spine-
Bodys aching all the time,
Goodbye everybody-Ive got to go-
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth-
Mama ooo- (any way the wind blows)
I dont want to die,
I sometimes wish Id never been born at all-

I see a little silhouetto of a man,
Scaramouche,scaramouche will you do the fandango-
Thunderbolt and lightning-very very frightening me-
Galileo,galileo,
Galileo galileo
Galileo figaro-magnifico-
But Im just a poor boy and nobody loves me-
Hes just a poor boy from a poor family-
Spare him his life from this monstrosity-
Easy come easy go-,will you let me go-
Bismillah! no-,we will not let you go-let him go-
Bismillah! we will not let you go-let him go
Bismillah! we will not let you go-let me go
Will not let you go-let me go
Will not let you go let me go
No,no,no,no,no,no,no-
Mama mia,mama mia,mama mia let me go-
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me,for me,for me-

So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye-
So you think you can love me and leave me to die-
Oh baby-cant do this to me baby-
Just gotta get out-just gotta get right outta here-

Nothing really matters,
Anyone can see,
Nothing really matters-,nothing really matters to me,

Any way the wind blows....

(Queen - A Night at the Opera' 1975) [Youtube][wiki]
(Words and music by Freddie Mercury)

We had opened a group at our last year in University titled "Bhaboghur Jhor". This was the theme song for that group. Most like our other efforts we didn't continue this group for too long. This is why we are bohemian we are bhaboghure otherwise it would not be the perfect address for us. Go through the member list of that group surely you will understand is this the right place for you or not. Anyway, the group is still there and anybody can join that group but surely there is no activity but still you are invited :D

Haunted House

Yesterday, I didn’t have many things to do. My internet connection was not working so eventually my other tasks become blocked. Anyway, I decided to use these days most fruitfully. Thankfully it was Thursday and today is Friday. So I shouldn’t expect any call from embassy (currently the only thing that I do is wait for their call). So I decide to go back to my old memories. I had decided to go to my grandfather’s home.

As usual, I need less time to implement than idea itself. So, we (Shuvo, Shaon and Me) started from Dhaka toward Madaripur. We reached at my grandfather’s home at around five o’clock. It was bit shocking for everyone as because I didn’t get there for last fifteen years. Basically nobody is there after my grandfather’s death. The house is completely abandoned. But the interesting part is over these years it is not changed at all; it is still as it was before except crowds, so it got a haunted look.

Interesting thing is each and every part of the house is still as I can remember them (may be Déjà vu effect). Even I feel like the whole village is as I saw them before. There is no change in their life, so simple and straightforward life. At first glance I feel like I get back at my childhood. It was bit difficult for my dummy brain to sort out the old memories regarding that house. Actually there were not much of them because in my whole life I went there only for four to five times. We didn’t bring any camera with us, so… no pictures.

We spent few hours in that haunted house then came to back to our daily life. Anyway, the total trip was great. It is great for two reasons: one, to bring me back to my childhood memories and the second is interesting. But right now I am not going to discuss the second one rather keep it for next days.

Quit Smoking

A picture is worth a thousands words. I am still trying hard to quit smoking. This image is taken from anti-smoking campaign by adidas - "Impossible is nothing". This is my forth day, still struggling for quitting smoking. If you are bored enough with your life and if you are a smoker then try quitting smoking - A challenge, real challenge, real struggle so more fun :)

Slip Slidin' Away

Whoah and I know a man, he came from my hometown
He wore his passion for his woman like a thorny crown
He said dolores, I live in fear
My love for yous so overpowering, Im afraid that I will disappear

Slip sliding away, slip sliding away
You know the nearer your destination, the more you slip sliding away

I know a woman, (who) became a wife
These are the very words she uses to describe her life
She said a good day aint got no rain
She said a bad day is when I lie in the bed
And I think of things that might have been

Slip sliding away, slip sliding away
You know the nearer your destination, the more you slip sliding away

And I know a father who had a son
He longed to tell him all the reasons for the things hed done
He came a long way just to explain
He kissed his boy as he lay sleeping
Then he turned around and he headed home again

Slip sliding away, slip sliding away
You know the nearer your destination, the more you slip sliding away

Whoah God only knows, God makes his plan
The informations unavailable to the mortal man
Were workin our jobs, collect our pay
Believe were gliding down the highway, when in fact were slip sliding away

Slip sliding away, slip sliding away
You know the nearer your destination, the more you slip sliding away
Slip sliding away, slip sliding away
You know the nearer your destination, the more you slip sliding away

(Simon & Garfunkel)[Youtube][wiki]

My first Nonsmoking Day

Today is the first non smoking day. It is always easy to decide not to smoke any more but it is very difficult to strict on that decision. I am kind of habitual smoker. I never thought it will be so difficult to give up smoking. The whole day was complete shit. And every moment I feel like something is missing, something is missing. I am suggesting you if you don’t have enough reason then don’t try to give up smoking.

It was bit easy at morning but as the clock tics it seems almost unbearable. Having a cigar after lunch is common habit of any smoker. If it is your first day then you feel like you didn’t take your lunch at all. And your total body tries to cope with this new situation. So it’s not an easier things to handle.

I always thought that why people look for reason to give up smoking. Today I realize why they need a strong reason to give up smoking. I know all the bad things about smoking at least it means nothing in an environment like Dhaka. Anyway still I haven’t take any cigar.

For some moments I thought I would rather buy cheroot which is not cigarette in usual sense. But it would be faking with self so give up the idea. In some way it disturbs my mental stability. Whole day it was in my mind, certainly that is not usual. However, I hope everything will be fine within one or two weeks.

The whole things become worse when all the people around you are smoking and you are sitting with them and smoking passively. I am loosing faith on myself. So, I am not that much hopeful like yesterday. Let’s see how far I can go with my non smoking campaign.

No more Smoking

I have decided to give up smoking from now on. Why??? Not because of better health or to be more innocent (Zafar had tried to be innocent by giving up smoking… No offence, friendly jokes) rather I give up smoking because I wanna prove that if I wish I can do it. That’s it, no big deal, no big reason. I guess I have seen it enough, enough means enough!!! So I will give it up. At least in course of time I will know whither I have any physical dependency on nicotine or not.

I know this will not be an easy task to do because all of my friends are smoker. But I am pretty sure that none of them will insist me for smoking if I wanna give it up. But surely their smoking provokes me to have some cigar. But I am confident enough that I could give it up, surely I could. Let see what’s going on next days. (Zafar, I am giving you the chance to write looser in my blog.)

Giving up smoking is always a difficult thing to do. I know lots of people who gave up smoking for several times. So there is a common joke, if any body says, “I am going to give up smoking” then other ask, “For how many days?” Anyway, this is the first time I have decided to give up smoking and hopefully this is the last time as well.

Congrats!!! to Rassel Raihan

I am very happy today, very very happy. I have heard very good news from one of my friend. Friends have some value in life. I know we are all alone, all trough alone. Friends are like time they came and went away and left few memories nothin’ else. But they bring some value in life. When they come, come like a storm when they go they go like a cloud. You can see them going but you can’t do anything other than saying good bye.

I am lucky in a sense that I have got so many good friends in my life. All are wonderful man to deal with. Youth is the best time to hunt good friends. In this sense my youth is successful. Surely I had made mistakes but most of the cases I was right to choose right person in my life. I can’t explain how it feels when you heard good news from them, it’s like my own success, and it’s like my own achievement. Anyway, congrats to Rassel Raihan and I wish you all the best for the rest of your journey.

If I wish a day for you, I will wish a day like today.

Moments...

What makes life so special? Life is beautiful, probably this sentence becomes a cliché. Life!!! Life is a wonderful thing at the same time it a worst possible thing. To me, life is composition of few small moments. And these moments drive to toward future toward tomorrow. You can deny everything except these moments. To me they are life.

You need not to be a millionaire; you need not to be Bill Gates, you need not to be a geek. Just be what you are, be honest to yourself whatever other thinks. Sum-up all your beautiful moments, sum-up all the loves you get from others, sum-up the trust get sum-up these things. This is called life. All of us will not be a first in the race, so why we waste our life in pursuit of being pioneer. No reason, no good region for that.

I used to say one thing “Nothing is worthless”. Everything has its own worth in their own way. In other way “Nothing goes un-paid, Nothing”.

I had already told that I work with Professor Boris Verkhovsky. He is a giant. Giant in Mathematics. He taught me lot of things that I knew before. I didn’t have very good relation with my teachers in my BUET life. In this sense he is my first mentor. I am lucky enough having a mentor like him.

Ok, all these stories is because I want to show much potential I am…lolz… Anyway, Today professor Professor Boris Verkhovsky asked for my mug-shot and I send it to him. One of his word was, “I hope this man will become a great scientist.” Well what else? I don’t how far I will go or if I could do anything in my future life. But these remarks will be with me always. We all are waiting, waiting for few moments. Very few of us got these lucky moments in our life. That’s why life is so much interesting. What else we need in out life? Ain't these moments enough.

Why me???

Everything has a limit. It seems like I am waiting for GODOT. I have to wait in every stage till death. Waiting for Admission, and then waiting for funding, then waiting for VISA… Can you tell me when this waiting will be finished, when I need not to wait for something or someone? I am unable to bear it anymore. It gives me the ultimate pain. I am just pissed off. I don’t know what to do, where to go or even how to handle this. Why me? Is this all about luck or I am a shit.

It seems I am losing my strength, very few of that is left. I can’t bear it anymore. I think if they take too much time I will be mentally disorder by these times. I can’t explain what’s happening inside me. Can anyone tell me what the hell I should do? My life sucks. Nothing touch me now I can’t do anything, I can’t concentrate on anything it’s like paralyzed at least mentally.

I wanna relief, relief from real life, relief from real life. I am sick of it. I wanna break. Why I don’t get everything I strive in ease. Why? Why?? Why??? Life is a big shit, a big shit. I hate my life. I hate it too much. I am bearing it for so many years but I hate it, I hate it more than anything else in the universe. Why my life so weird? Why I have to struggle for every single step? Why? Why?? Why??? Is these all I deserve? Please answer me, please.

Nothing comes Painlessly

For me, nothing comes painlessly. So there is no wander that I will not get my VISA at first chance. This is so predictable. US embassy supplied me a paper suggesting that my VISA is approved but it will take few more time for the administrative purpose. Anyway, I have nothing to do, other than waiting for their call. I came back home with hope that someday they will call me and collect my passport. Here is brief of my interview,

Me: Good Afternoon
Consular: Good Afternoon. Apni azke kemon acen?
Me: Bhalo
Consular: Is English Ok?
Me: Yes Sir.
Consular: So, you are going to study in US, what level of study?
Me: Doctoral
Consular: Which Program?
Me: Computer Science.
Consular: Which University?
Me: University of Oklahoma
Consular: Wooow! You are going Oklahoma. Do you like American football?
Me: No
Consular: No! Surely you will like when you will get there.
Me: May be.
Consular: Did you take any standardize test for University of Oklahoma?
Me: Yes, both TOEFL and GRE. But I hadn’t received my official TOEFL score, so I got the printed version, is that alright?
Consular: yes, of course.

I supplied my papers.

Consular: Good score!!!
Me: Thank you.
Consular: So University is bearing all the expenses, what if in case of any exception.
Me: Ooooh! My father is solvent and definitely he will support me from Bangladesh. I have the Affidavit copy of this declaration. You wanna see it?
Consular: yes.

I supplied my papers.

Consular: ok, what subject you want to pursue in you PhD program?
Me: Data Stream Mining.
Consular: What is it?
Me: Mining live data, kind of generating knowledge from live information or flow of information.
Consular: What will you do after your PhD?
Me: I will join as faculty.
Consular: Which university?
Me: Any prestigious university in Bangladesh.
Consular: I see you are from BUET, what about BUET?
Me: Definitely BUET is the first choice.
Consular: Good. Currently you are serving as a Software Engineer at Kaz Software Ltd, right?
Me: yes.
Consular: What kind of project?
Me: Industrial Document Management.
Consular: Cool, Ok Sir you VISA has been approved. But you know this administrative tasks, it always takes time. Collect your passport right now. We will contact you later. Keep patience and we appreciate your patience.
Me: Thanks you.

Then he supplied me my passport and a paper suggesting,

Your VISA has been conditionally approved. But due to some administrative task it will take few times. We are unable to say how much time it will take and in these times we are unable to answer any question about your VISA status.

We are suggesting that until you get your VISA in hand do not make any specific plan to go to USA. Please keep patience, and we appreciate your patience.

I don’t know what to do now other than waiting. Waiting is always a painful task. Life is like that. Anyway hope for the best and wish me good luck.

Big Day Tomorrow

This is one of the longest weeks in my life. When it becomes too close I don’t want to loose it anymore. I have submitted my papers last Sunday. And tomorrow is another Sunday, my interview date. This is the end of last couple month’s frustration. I have heard lot about US embassy from my childhood. Tomorrow I will see it in real. I never went there before, so it will be a new experience for me.

I have waited for tomorrow for the whole week. Who knows what they will decide. I try my best to prepare my papers and the rest is up to them. One thing seems very interesting to me: This two minutes interview govern my next five years and justify my last couple of months. What an irony, funny, funny indeed!!! Hopefully it will be fine. Life is too much uncertain, unpredictable, too much…

My Books

I love books, I love to read and I love to explore. Those who likes to travel likes books in most cases. Starting a new book is like start a new journey where the writer is your guide. He will takes you diversified places at different times, introduce different peoples and lifestyles. At the end if you like the journey you will like the book. Different types of books do this same thing differently. If you fail to travel with the writer then surely you will not like that book.

I feel like books are message, a message from writer to all like a mass media. Every time I read a book I try to find out the message the writer try to give. Surely every book gives some message otherwise he wouldn’t write it. Its like an adventure, is like in search of treasure. You have to find out the message among the immense source of texts. Unless you can sort out the messages you will not like the book at least it will not make you think about it. So complete waste of time.

Books are experience of a guy. It could be real it could be fiction but it gives you a clear idea about how people react in some situations. When you read a book you are sharing writer’s experience. Book is the perfect place to share other’s experiences.

I found few books very refreshing. When I read them I feel refreshed even the essence remains few hours more. They are just like refreshing drugs. Books are fun a very good fun. Fun of life. I try to read some books at my idle times. And I am very conservative about books. I never share my books with anyone. Probably this is the case for everyone who likes books.

NB: I have finished my stock I have read them all. If anyone has any suggestion please leave the name and author’s name as comment.

Addictive Stuffs

This morning I have read an article about distraction by famous Paul Graham titled Disconnected Distraction. The article is something about distraction and addictive element of life. Well addictive element is a very vague term. At first glance it reminds everyone about narcotics, alcohol and other stuffs like that. Surely they are addictive but the question is how much. Well a lot, but not more than few stuffs that are considered as innocent like television, computer games, internet and so on. I never heard about anybody who takes drugs for whole day but I heard about lot of guys who watch television for whole day or surfing internet for whole day.

Surely there are some goods on it. Paul Graham used an appropriate analogy,

“If you drink too much, you can solve that problem by stopping entirely. But you can't solve the problem of overeating by stopping eating.”

Well I have few stories in my own.

I used to watch television at early stage of my life. Everyone knows how much addictive it is so I am not going to tell about that. Then one day I realize that I am just wasting my time, “Is this something I suppose to do?” No, obviously not. So I stopped watching television. This story sounds pretty good. But the real story is not that much innocent. Actually by this time I had got something more addictive, Computer Games!!! So start wasting my time on it. Sure I did few important things with my computer also. Then I got more addictive one, Internet!!! I spend most of my time in front of computer so internet. After few days I realize that it brings more bad than good for me. No doubt about that internet is immense source but the problem is I am not designed to deal with such immense source of information. I know hell of a lot about different things that I am not supposed to know. At least they do not bring any good for me.

Lastly I have identified few applications and sites and decided not to go there anymore. But you know it doesn’t work pretty well. Thousands of similar things are out there. I don’t know how get out of this abysmal pit. I have tried lot of technique but no luck. Surely it is more addictive than anything I have ever seen before. It is okay with idle but the problem arises when it distract me at my working time. I guess the problem lies in somewhere else.

This is a world of business everything from television to internet all are business tools. So there is no wonder that they will make addict to increase their revenue, this is certain. Why I will allow them to use me for their business? No reason for that. I have to be wolf not sheep. May be it will work.

Probably everybody will be agree with me that internet waste our valuable times. I am not going to tell that we should stay apart but I wanna tell we should care about our time more than that. However, I am still looking for a better technique; surely I will found one, one day.

Final Countdown

I have completed my VISA application. Now I have to face VISA interview. Almost all papers are ready. It’s always difficult for me to handle papers. I am not good at that. I sorted out few problems in my papers and fixed as soon as they noticed. So it takes few more time than expected. I am almost at the end of this frustrating complicated process. It starts from August, 2007 and now is July, 2008. And I am still one step behind it. Anyway hope for the best.

This is total frustrating era of my life. I was never upset with anything like this process. In every steps I prepared my papers and keep waiting that’s it so the total frustration. I had enjoyed a long holiday after my BUET admission but that was that much frustrating. I hope US embassy will be happy with my papers at least there is no allegation against me. So hopefully they will be satisfied. Now I am waiting for the final touch. I am little bit tensed but not much. Because I can bear any more stress.

I guess I need rest a complete rest. So, I have decided to take a long break. I need it too much. I feel like I am tired, I am tired of life. Every time I wish my old days, the carefree cheerful life. I want it back!!!