What goes around, Turns around

Shuvo, Mishu and I were sitting in front of a tea stall right across the shuvo’s house. It was nearly 11 pm or something like that. I blond girl came down from the next house and asking for a cigarette. She had ten bucks and she wanted to buy as much as she gets with that. The shop keeper gave her two Benson & Hedges and a match box. She was trying to light her first cigarette right that moment. I don’t know for some reason I feel like that was her first smoke. I asked her, “is this your first smoke?” She was little bit ashamed and replied me,” yes”. I asked her to give it to me and I showed her how to do that.

The very next moment shuvo asked her, “What makes you smoke? As long as we can see you are not a smoker. Why do you came down at night and want to smoke?” She was relieved and sat right across us and replied “I have no other things to do”. She added, “I have been staying at home for last one week, even I haven’t met anybody. I become so frustrated and thought try some smoke at least it will be something new.” She was an American girl, she was from Florida, went to Bangladesh for some research work or something like that. She was a bored American girl in Bangladesh.

I didn’t understand her feelings that day. But I can feel her now in every moment. I had almost forgotten her. But you know for last couple of days I see her face in front of my eyes, her innocent, bored, tired and revolting face. Sometime I feel like I will go out and hit people at least it will be something, something exciting, something new. Now I can feel her feelings: what makes her get out at that night. Now I am a bored Bangladeshi boy here in America.

What do you care what other people think?

I have finished a book today, titled “What do you care what other people think?” - Further Adventure of a Curious Character by Richard Phillips Feynman. This is very similar to his other book, “Surely You're Joking Mr. Feynman!” - Adventure of a Curious Character. The narratives are based on Arlene (his first wife). There are some letters of him and letters regarding him. And it contains few of his photographs and few of drawings.

Mostly the book is based on the Challenger investigation known as Space Shuttle Challenger Disaster. He portrays everything with his usual witty style. This part is all about big shots. Here he white washes the top management of NASA. Finally he gives his observation on the reliability of the space shuttle.

It has an interesting chapter titled “Afterthoughts”. This chapter is composed of few thoughts that might be correct or not. The main theme is finally he come up with some ideas about “What other people may think?” So you the book title tickle the obvious question “Does he care or not?” Anyway this was not my intention to mention this chapter. There is another interesting part discussed about integrity and profession. He was trying to relate the integrity of different people with their profession. And he did it fine. There is always question which comes first, people lose integrity because of profession or people chose profession because they do not require integrity?

Finally he ends with the old dilemma, why all these are for? Good or Bad? Titled “The Value of Science”. This is mostly a philosophical part talking about science. He comes up with a proverb of Buddhist religion: “To every man is given the key to the gates of heaven; the same key opens the gates of the hell”. The key may be dangerous to use but the key obviously has some value. Without the key we cannot enter into the heaven. It is not the key responsible for any of the Heaven or Hell.

We are all sad when we think of the wondrous potentialities human beings seems to have, as contrasted with their small accomplishments. Again and again people have thought that we could do much better. Those of the past saw in the nightmare of their times a dream for the future. We, of their future, see that their dreams, in certain ways surpassed, have in many ways remained dreams. The hopes for the future today are, in good share, those of yesterday.

- Richard Phillips Feynman

Nearly everyone dislikes war. Our dream today is peace. In peace, man can develop best the enormous possibilities he seems to have. But maybe future men will find that peace, too, can be good and bad. Perhaps peaceful men will drink out of boredom. Then perhaps drink will become the great problem which seems to keep man from getting all he thinks he should out of his abilities.

- Richard Phillips Feynman

It is our responsibilities as scientists, knowing the great progress which comes from a satisfactory philosophy of ignorance, the great progress which is the fruit of freedom of thought, to proclaim the value of this freedom; to teach how doubt is not to be feared but welcomed and discussed; and to demand this freedom as our duty to all coming generations.

- Richard Phillips Feynman

In my dreams, I can fly!

I don’t know why everyone is discouraging me about PhD and Dr. Gruenwald. I haven’t found a single one who encourages me for any of them. That the real tragedy. I heard about a lot that people drop out from PhD but every time I thought what is bad in it. I don’t know yet. But one of the major reasons might be boringness. It is really boring to be in the same place for so long. It could be a good reason.

It will be very difficult to be here for so many years. Norman is a small city, not much things to explore. What the hell I’ll do for rest of the years? I don’t know. But now I am enjoying my works. I start loving it but not too much. That’s the hopeful part of the story. Because if start loving my job I can be here for any amount of time, nothing matters to me.

I have spent very busy days last week. Today I am little bit free: I have a group meeting with a short presentation of my plan, that’s it! Anyway I loose the string, right? I think it is too early for me to decide anything about any of them. Better let the time decide on behalf of myself. I know it works well for me. Right now I am making some small goals and trying to achieve them. Still I believe listening to your heart* will always lead you to the right track.

In my opinion “Be open minded, Wait and See”. Life is too long and there are very few things that can change the end result much. So following your heart is always good. At least in of the day you can tell yourself that you are happy. You will be happy because you are the victim of your own crime. Other way you are the reward of your own virtue. Anyway these are going too much and see I have lost the main string again. Better not to write any more!

*Rassel if you are reading this then probably you will disagree with me. But I can proof mathematically for us that I am right. :D

Cursed or Blessed?

I don’t know why people love me. I have received a phone call from Bangladesh today. It was our former caretaker! His name is “Shajahan”. I never thought that I would receive a call from him. He just called me to know how I am doing here in new situation. I know his condition very well. He is one poorest citizen among the poor in our country. It was very unlikely to receive a call from him. And I heard that he had sacked from his job recently. I don’t know how much it cost to him but I am pretty sure it was the cost of his one meal.

There is nothing to expect from me. He called me just because he does care of me nothing else! I am the bastard don’t know how to love or even how to respect other love. Surely I do not deserve it. Actually his call made me mortified. And you know he is not the only one. There are so many “Shajahan”s in my country do care for me. I received enormous love from so many people. Sometime their love seems burden to me. I don't know why people love me? Is this the curse or bless? I don’t know. Sometime I feel like they are the curse because I can’t recompense their love. Sometime I feel blessed because I know they expect nothing from me. Not even love.

Busy week-end

I am tired of answering so many questions today. Students had a due today and they were making me mad with tons of questions. I am answering though emails. I went to school yesterday just to answer few students. I am bit tired of it. They have so many problems with so many varieties. So this is one of my busiest week-end in Norman.

I went to Ron’s place today. I was there for couple of hours. We had lot of conversations. Dean and Rebecca were also there and we had delicious foods. It was a very good afternoon. I loved it.

And finally I am very anxious about my study. I should spend more hours on my course works. But until now it’s going fine but I am afraid how long it will be. I have decided to spend few hours on my course hour every day. So that it will be lot easier for me.

I think next week will be a very busy week for me. I have to correct student’s home works. I think my research work will be intense on next week. And I have couple of homework dues on next week. So, you know what I can expect!

W for Week-end, W for work!!!

The Last Note of Freedom

Here I am, burnin' man,
Singing the song of my open soul.
Will time pass me?
All my dreams a heaven knows.

I don't wanna be cheated,
I can't go on, in a world where love is beaten.

Rise up burnin' man,
See is the white taken man.
Days of thunder see me shine,
All my dreams turn out fine.

I know the suffering will end, my friend,
When the last note of freedom is rung throughout the land.
I know the hateful will burn,
When the last note of freedom is heard throughout the land.

I know the fear of dying,
Heard it from a meltdown blast.
I know that lord have mercy,
It soon will pass.
I know it.
I don't wanna be cheated,
I can't go on, in a world where love is beaten.
I can't go on.
Where love is defeated.
Can't go on.

(Solo!)

I know the suffering will end, my friend,
When the last note of freedom is rung throughout the land.
I know the hateful will burn,
When the last note of freedom is heard throughout the land.

I know the fear of dying,
Heard it from a meltdown blast.
I know that lord have mercy,
It soon will pass.

We need love.
We gotta want it so bad.
We need it now,
So run for it fast.

I know it,
And the world will be cheated.
I can't go on, in a world where love is defeated.
I know it.
I can't go on.

No, no, no , no, no, no, no
Where love is defeated.
Can't go on, in a world where love's defeated.
Defeated.
No, no, no , no, no, no, no
No, no, no , no, no, no, no

The last note of freedom!

[David Coverdale - Days of Thunder][Youtube]

Life of a Graduate Student

I am kind of stuck with a paper titled, “Spatio-Temporal Association Rule Mining Framework for Estimating Missing Data in Sensor Networks and Analyzing Trend Evolution of Co-evolving Multidimensional Data Streams”. This is based on estimating missing value in sensor network. The approach is called MASTER. I have been reading this paper for last few days. And I am totally helpless. I have already tried with few different ways. I don’t think the topic is difficult. And the whole idea is not too complicated. But still I am helpless to handle it.

In my opinion the organization or the language of this is paper is such that you will lost after couple of paragraph. I guess this is what makes it difficult to understand. I have to build a presentation on this paper. I don’t know what to do? Usually, I have a group meeting and an individual meeting with Dr. Gruenwald every week. In the group meeting I have to present what I did in last week and what is my plan for the next week. :D I wish if I had any!!!

My TA job is going fine. I grade the first homework and still no complain. Little bit pressure is waiting for the future. I hope it will be okie. Dr. Dong is very kind to me. He tries to make most of the things done by himself. And right now, I am preparing myself and my system for the next homework.

And I should read my course work but I am not reading. I have submitted couple of home works and I read what was required to solve them. I think I should read more. I am planning to read in this week-end. I don’t know somehow I can’t manage much time for myself. However, I think everything will be fine very soon. Maybe that day does not exist still I love to dream of that day.

Club 101

Last night I went to a club, Club 101. I knew what it could be because I was aware about such type of club. This is my first day in any club in America. This is not the good one to gather some experience. At least I didn’t feel that this is good one. I mean I didn’t like the crowd. Everything was fine but I feel like they don’t know much variation of people. I found lot of people staring at us like in Bangladeshi people staring at aliens in Bangladesh. It was little bit embracing but you know you have to have lost in first day.

Couple of people tries to intimidate me. But as usual I don’t care. Surely they had some plan but the same trick: don’t care anybody always works. I don’t know why always people try with me. Anyway, this is fine and I enjoy it. Mostly I enjoy the last part when they found I really didn’t give a shit to them.

There was a playboy playmate in the club. I think in every club they have one playboy playmate. Mostly I found her helping other guys to accustom. She was dancing everyone and helping other to find a partner. She seems very interesting character to me, I really enjoyed her role. However as a first experience the whole thing was cool.

Never Too Late

This world will never be
What I expected
And if I don't belong
Who would have guessed it
I will not leave alone
Everything that I own
To make you feel like it's not too late
It's never too late

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late

No one will ever see
This side reflected
And if there's something wrong
Who would have guessed it
And I have left alone
Everything that I own
To make you feel like
It's not too late
It's never too late

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late

The world we knew
Won't come back
The time we've lost
Can't get back
The life we had
Won't be ours again

This world will never be
What I expected
And if I don't belong

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late (It's never too late)
It's not too late
It's never too late
(Three Days Grace - One-X'2005)[Youtube][Wiki]

iLike is so cool!!!

Today, I listened a song from a friend’s profile page using iLike on facebook. After that I have decided to use one in my profile page. I add the iLike application in facebook. Update my favorite artists and songs. In fact I had an iLike account since very beginning of iLike. After adding the iLike I download the desktop utilities of the iLike. And login in my old account after that I tied both of my account together. After that I was stunned for few moments what going one???

The real magical part starts then. Somehow my facebook profile is updated with the songs I played most. Even when I play a song I can see who played it recently!!! This is okie but don’t you think this is too much. In some cases it suggest me few songs that should be in my favorite-list but somehow I missed them. I am impressed!!! There are very few computer application impresses me and this is one of them. I am very interested to see what they are gonna do next days. Here, I am sharing the widget from iLike. Eventually I will add it here.

Host Family

I met an American family here today. They are the first one I have ever met here in Oklahoma. This is one of a kind experience in my life. It was a great experience in my life and loved it so much. You know what my first reaction is: Something is common all over the world, the mom the dad. I am missing them too much today.

Sagar intimidates me about Americans but I found them very close to my mom and dad. I know all people are not same but at least there is a Harun-ur-Rashid and a Shahnaz Parveen here. May be I will meet lot of American family here but you know first cut is the deepest. lolz. I was wandering, so many things are common. May be my mother will be like her if she brought up here, the same intimidating father, the same family value and so forth. The only difference is culture. Just they are from different culture that’s it. I loved it, I loved it so much. I don’t know they liked me or not but I liked them a lot.

They are my host family here in Oklahoma. I don’t know the whole things is all about? But I consider myself lucky that I got such a warm loving host family. They are just wonderful.

Sometime I wonder there are so many things in this world to see to explore. I wish if I could have little of them. I wish if I could walk around the world with my tiny bare foot. I don’t know for some reason the whole thing makes me sad. I wish if I could cry. I am missing you guys, missing you hell of a lot.

Bad Day

I couldn’t sleep last night. Therefore, came to the school early in the morning may be 08:00. Start reading some as usual fucking research papers. Weather is horrible today even I can’t go outside for a while. There was a class at 10:30. After that, those fucking research papers again! It is almost 18:30. I feel very sleepy. The mother-fucker sun will take two more hours to go. As I am fasting today I am hungry too. I couldn’t go back to home before 21:00. A complete mess!

And the most important is my brain is not working. It is completely fucked up. I don’t know what the fuck is going on. I spend the whole day in my office and trying to read, but for some reason it doesn’t work. Don’t know what to do. No I am trying with Theory of Computation book. It seems Hebrew to me. Horrible feelings!

My Chinese colleague already went away. I am waiting for the dusk. Tried with Youtube but not much luck. Every moment seems eternal to me. I don’t know what to do or where to go. It’s like I’m trapped in eternity.

You know one funny thing; I didn't use a single word today. My colleague is horrible in English and I don't know Chinese. It is better to learn Chinese than asking him for English. So most of the time, we don’t talk with each other unless some inevitable situations. :D

All The Pretty Horses

Get together

We had a very good get together before we leave Bangladesh. It was nice party. Rassel & Hasib’s activeness (in fact hyper activeness) along with the Helal’s efficacy made it possible. Special thanks to all of them and to the guests too. Here are few photos from that party.