My blog

I was kind of shocked when I looked at the archive list today. It says I have two posts in 2006, hundred and eight posts in 2007, triple two in 2008 and already fourty in 2009. Wow! Apparently it is my fourth year of blogging!!! I bet not. I had opened this blog at the end of 2006 after joining Kaz. In fact, kaz has a strong motivation on opening this blog. Munna was one my colleague when I was there. I can’t remember very well why, but one day Munna proud fully acclaimed “I am a blogger”. I was kind of confused and asked what the heck is that? He showed me his blog. Well, his blog is really full of technical stuff. But I got the idea and start my own blog. At the very beginning I dumped some of my technical awareness over here. But very soon I had realized, I am not good at technical kind of blogging. I like to do things but I am worst in writing about those. So, I had decided to stop technical blogging and start writing about everything, my thoughts, my life, everything. From then, I dump all my craps over here and it is fun, real fun. I am really enjoying it a lot.

This is a Holy war???

Now-a-days, it is hard stay unaware of something. Yes, I am aware of Israel/Palestine issue. I have read myriad of blogs and articles on that. Everybody is concern against it. Still it is happening. Very funny!!! But that's what the truth is. I have a strong thought in my mind. I always try be indifferent if my position doesn't have any real impact of the situation. At least I try my best to avoid anything cognizable. Surely, it is hard to be apathetic on such an issues. Whatever my opinion is, I am indifferent in my action.

Anyway, I have a interesting story that's why bring it here. I bring it here because I found something very funny related to it. I was coming at campus early morning today. The driver was playing radio on the bus. News was on the radio and a journalist was interviewing a guy (I don't know who it is, but it felt like he is someone important). He was saying, “This is a Holy war, this is even more than a religious war”. I don't know what the hell it is but I am sure the word “holy” has nothing to do with killing people.

Nature has its own way!

I can never remember a thing which I had dreamed for, when I was a kid. Does it mean I had not any? I have seen people talking about their dreams but I just couldn’t. I feel bad when I heard people talking about their dreams. I have nothing like them. I have nothing to talk about. I believe I have nothing in my life to talk about. My life is so simple that if someone asks about a unique thing in my life; it is highly likely that I would not be able to come up with an answer. Not everyone has everything in their life :) Unfortunately I don’t have this.

It is not bad living a life without such an extensive plan. It is just different. In my opinion it is more exciting too. You never know what you are going to get. You may lose you may win but surely you shall have thrill. If you lose you are a stupid and if you win you are a genius that what you gonna get at the end of the day. At the end of the day you shall be solely responsible for your life.

I got an interesting realization today. That's what I get from my irrevocable past. Some things are so sticky that they attached very quickly. You just can’t ignore. Some pasts are ineradicable. Babu used to tell one thing very often, once a junkie always a junkie. He is damn right. No matter how far you go from your irreversible past, it always comes with you. Most important thing is people don’t wanna trust them. Maybe they are not worth of conviction. Nature has its own way of doing things! Nature will teach you by its own way.

SHIBLEE

"i feel like i don't belong here........... i belong to somewhere else.......... majhe majhe ichche kore more jai.......... i just want to die..............but whenever i thing about it then seven pictures popped up in my mind.............. S=shonkho nodi H=holud shari in pohela fhalgun I=Ice cream B=bandorban L=Lal golap on valentinesday E=ekushe february E=elo melo BRISHTII !! I just can't die because of these........i can't.................. i love them.......i love them a lot...."

I have nothing to say. Creative people! By the way, I have copied the above paragraph from a blog. Some are really creative.

Lost For Words

I was spending my time in the doldrums
I was caught in the cauldron of hate
I felt persecuted and paralyzed
I thought that everything else would just wait
While you are wasting your time on your enemies
Engulfed in a fever of spite
Beyond your tunnel vision reality fades
Like shadows into the night

To martyr yourself to caution
Is not going to help at all
Because there'll be no safety in numbers
When the Right One walks out of the door

Can you see your days blighted by darkness?
Is it true you beat your fists on the floor?
Stuck in a world of isolation
While ivy grows over the door

So I open my door to my enemies
And I ask could we wipe the slate clean
But they tell me to please go fuck myself
You know you just can't win

[The Division Bell' 1993][Youtube][wiki]

distracted words!

I am having severe bad headache. I can’t sleep at all. I don’t know why I have bad headache every time I try to take alcohol. That’s why I gave up alcohol a long ago. Even I didn’t take alcohol at all, I just had a little green beer. My body is not ready to accept even a drop. I have changed my life quite a lot, huh. No alcohol, no s***k, no sleeping pills, no smokes, nothing I have nothing in my life now. I am kind of interested to see what happen next. Surely, I am not an abstinent and I don’t have a strong reason for any of these. I just feel like I am no longer good for any of these. Do you think there is something wrong with me? Hasib does! Maybe! Maybe, one day I will go to Himalayas and start practicing yoga ;) Actually, I thought of it couple of times. That would be the appropriate next step down the line. These days I feel like I should go to Bandarban and start living there. I love to be there. I don’t think anybody practice yoga there. Well, I had not met any. I should seriously think about this yoga thing! :)

Coming Back To Life

Where were you when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
Where were you when I was hurt and helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun

Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of lifeand the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life

I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun
And headed straight..into the shining sun

[Pink Floyd - The Division Bell' 1993][Youtube][wiki]

Keep Talking

For millions of years mankind lived just like the animals
Then something happened which unleashed the power of our imagination
We learned to talk

There's a silence surrounding me
I can't seem to think straight
I'll sit in the corner
No one can bother me
I think I should speak now
I can't seem to speak now
My words won't come out right
I feel like I'm drowning
I'm feeling weak now
But I can't show my weakness
I sometimes wonder
Where do we go from here

It doesn't have to be like this
All we need to do is make sure we keep talking

Why won't you talk to me
You never talk to me
What are you thinking
What are you feeling
Why won't you talk to me
You never talk to me
What are you thinking
Where do we go from here

It doesn't have to be like this
All we need to do is make sure we keep talking

Why won't you talk to me
You never talk to me
What are you thinking
What are you feeling
Why won't you talk to me
You never talk to me
What are you thinking
What are you feeling

I feel like I'm drowning
You know I can't breathe now
We're going nowhere
We're going nowhere

[Pink Floyd - The Division Bell' 1993][Youtube][wiki]

I just let it live

At last I have got a holiday. But unfortunately I don’t know what to do with it. I wake up at early morning and wandering around my apartment to find something that I could do. I had decided not do any kind of study related things. Finally I found I have nothing to do other than some kind of work. Then I had started surfing on the web and became bored very quickly. Finally I have decided to go back to my life and find some old projects and re-organize them with. :D Well what else I could do? I am that boring, I bet no. I just don’t know how live in America. Unfortunately the worst part of the story is I just couldn’t feel any will of exploring my new life. I just let it live. I have no plan for it. I am just waiting, waiting to see what’s coming up next. I feel like, this kind of life is not bad, you will have surprise, you will have uncertainty, you will have boringness and most of all you have something. Something you can wait for. I don’t know what it is, I don’t know even it exists or not but I am waiting for that something. Maybe I am not pragmatic, that’s not my fault :( That’s what I am.

Sometime I think is this masochism? I think it is not. Because I am not sad even I don’t have any grief at all. How could it be masochism when I don’t have any angst at all? I am just indifferent. I am happy with my life. The most important thing is I am enjoying. I am enjoying it a lot. I am happy with myself.

Last.fm

Have you ever tried Last.fm? It is cool! It is kind of internet based radio station customized for you only. I was amazed when rassel showed me this site. Just try to play your favorite musicians radio, and it will find the similar music for you. Dire straits is my favorite. These days I used to play it all the time while I am at my apartment. Its similarity suggestion is very cool and it is almost successful to find all of my favorite songs and artists. I am glad other than rassel onething knows my music taste at least. I am quite sure it uses a very good similarity matching algorithms; so far it seems best to me among all I have seen. Try it; it is worth to get a try.

Jamaica Farewell

Down the way where the nights are gay
And the sun shines daily on the mountain top
I took a trip on a sailing ship
And when I reached Jamaica
I made a stop

But I'm sad to say, I'm on my way
Won't be back for many a day
My heart is down my head is turning around
I had to leave a little girl in Kingston town

Down at the market you can hear
Ladies cry out while on their heads they bear
'Akey rice, salt fish are nice
And the rum is fine any time of year

But I'm sad to say, I'm on my way
Won't be back for many a day
My heart is down my head is turning around
I had to leave a little girl in Kingston town

Sounds of laughter everywhere
And the dancing girls swaying to and fro
I must declare my heart is there
Though I've been from Maine to Mexico

But I'm sad to say, I'm on my way
Won't be back for many a day
My heart is down my head is turning around
I had to leave a little girl in Kingston town

Down the way where the nights are gay
and the sun shines daily on the mountain top
I took a trip on a sailing ship
And when I reached Jamaica
I made a stop

But I'm sad to say I'm on my way
Won't be back for many a day
My heart is down my head is turning around
I had to leave a little girl in Kingston town

[Irving Louis Burgie][Youtube by Harry Belafonte][Wiki][esnips by Don Williams]

One of my all time favorites song by my favorite Don Williams :)
Courtesy: Rassel Raihan

Dystopia

I am feeling like I am in dystopia. For some reason everything starts getting worse. I am kind of pissed off, pissed with everything, pissed with myself. I am feeling like I am a stupid whore. I should work but I just can’t, I should concentrate on research but I couldn’t. That’s not good! Fuck off! I feel like, doing something, something that makes me feel I am alive, I am still alive. I am feeling real bad. It almost midnight, I should sleep, I don’t why I am sitting here and writing some more stupid things. I was trying to get some tears on my eyes, it didn’t work either. I really need some good time. Everything is big here, even pains are seem unbearable. I want to cry, I want some tears. It’s raining outside, I am feeling it, dire straits on stereo, I am going insane…

কোথায় যে যাই!

কোথায় যে যাই, কি যে চাই কিছুই বুঝতে পারি না। কোন ব্যাপারেই মন সংযোগ করতে পারি না। কি কোন কাজে,কি কোনও জায়গাতে,কি কোনও পুরুষ, বা নারী তে আদৌ একনিষ্ট হতে পারি না। গন্তব্যে পৌঁছে গেলেই মনে হয় এখানে তো চাই নি আসতে। তাই পৌঁছে আবার রওনা হই, কোথায় যাব, যেতে চাই তা না জেনেই। যেখানে আদর পাই, ভালোবাসা পাই, যত্ন পাই, যেখানে প্রাধান্য পাই, ঠিক খান থেকেই ভালোবাসার, সন্মানের আঙ্গুল থেকে আঙ্গুল ছাড়িয়ে নিয়েই আমি অন্যত্র দৌড়ে যাই, অন্যত্র পৌঁছে আবার দৌড়াই। ফিরে যখন যাই, সেই নিশ্চিত উষ্ণতার দিকে, তখন পৌঁছে দেখি, আমার আগেই সেখানে পৌঁছে গেছে শীতের হিমেল রাত। দিন ফেলে রাতে দৌড়াই; রাত ফেলে দিনে। শরীর ফেলে মনে দৌড়াই; মন ফেলে শরীরে। সব পাই,আবার কিছুমাত্রও পাই না।

শ্রীকান্তের একটা গান খুজতে খুজতে কিভাবে যেন এই লাইন টা পেয়ে গেলাম। লাইনটার মধ্যে বহুদিন আগে রাসেল এর জানতে চাওয়া একটা প্রশ্নের উত্তর আছে। আমর কি পারছি ভবঘুরে হতে? মনে হয় না, আমরা কি পারছি স্থির হতে? মনে হয় না, আমরা কি পারছি?

Comparing is not easy!

I am kind of stuck with a kind of silly problem. The problem is pretty simple but for some reason I couldn’t to see any way. I got to compare two systems with respect to their response time. These are data stream management system like STREAM, Aurora. Actually the problem may lies in more primitive level. The first question is what is response time for such systems? So far my definition is, “Time needed to give the output after receiving input”. It sounds okay but I am not happy with it :( They do not work such a straight forward manner. First the time could not be clock time, then what it is? If the time is measured in terms of some other metrics then how could I differentiate between queuing time and processing time? Finally, the big question what does the result mean then? Actually tons of other questions are around there even if I forget the nasty platform issue.

Basically what I am looking for is a mathematical foundation of doing these kind of things. My point is whatever I choose it should have an underlying mathematics in it. Other than that it is pointless. I could find thousands of ideas but hard to find the mathematical foundation for them. Well, let me simplify the problem a little bit, how could you define the efficiency for a water refinery plant with multiple refinery units while multiple units share the same set of resources. Actually how to measure something? How to compare two things? Comparing is not easy at all, still we do that very often.

Emotions!

Today I have received a very important document from a source. This is a very important piece of document and unfortunately highly mathematical. The interesting part of the story is there is a line at the bottom of it, “56 years ago today died Stalin- the greatest criminal of all times in history”. It was funny to find something like this at the bottom of such a highly mathematical paper. Not all people are emotional, as far I am concern there is not much room for emotion in modern life. But still there is something, something called hatred! Maybe something called love! Maybe human can go beyond anything but basic set of feelings.

The Cycle

I have just finished a report for the tomorrow’s meeting. Bus runs every one hour after six thirty. Still thirty minutes to go. I thought I better write something, something about my crazy little life. Now-a-days I am working to the limit. I am busy almost every time in a day. I really enjoy doing lot of things. But sometimes I feel tired, then I complain, then mess all the things, and finally start over again from the very beginning. That’s the cycle of my life. I have tried it couple of times in my life. Every time my very busy life is followed by a new starting. I am not exaggerating, this is true. I am not telling this will happen this time. Maybe this time is different, I am in a new country, in a new environment, with new people, and everything is new. Maybe the consequences will be new too. Who knows what is waiting for me.

So far I am not tired and still I am enjoying. So I am happy. I like to work; I like to keep myself busy. But the only problem is fatigue. This time I really want to make something different. I don’t want to push it toward the fatigue. I would like to continue it. But I really should manage it little bit carefully and tactfully. Sometimes you have to be witty, you know? Anyway, I got to go, it is the time for bus.