Am I busy?

Start with the anonymous’ question, “Am I busy?” well hard to tell, let me put it this way, “I am occupied.” It has been a while I am not writing anything. The partial reason of course is I am occupied another reason could be I don’t know what to write. Well, I used to write everything here but now my everything become so small that anyone can put it in one line and that line appears so many times, I dare to put that again. Life is pretty much same as it was before except I complicated the situation a little. Forget about the ugly part! One new thing is I having difficulties to tolerate other people now-a-days. Well, it’s not entirely new, it’s a kind of recurring phenomenon.

Let me think, “What’s new?” I barely remember anything new. Ahh!!! There is one new thing in OU CS department. They are trying to arrange a regular tea party on Thursday evening. I am just coming from that event. It’s nothing but all the professors and students mostly graduate students gather together and chat with each other. They give an interesting name for it, they called it t++. The idea is cool! It’s an open interaction place for faculty and students. But like other events some faculty don’t bother to show up, so some students. Anyway, it’s a cool to be.

Anything else? I am tempting to say no. Well, Adnan and I stay together. So I don’t have to do all the crazy household stuff. To be more specific Adnan take care of everything like he did before. He took pretty less time to take over everything. I am happy! I hate this kind of things and I know he loves these tasks. There are some people who love to take care of others, he is one of those kinds and I am one of those who don’t even take care of themselves. So it’s a good match. We have entirely different domain of problems and we live in different world. That’s a good thing about me and him. He is kind of opposite of me and still we are good friends. I don’t have any more things to say.

Ummm… I was planning to write a post about a cool idea, I did the initial survey for it. It’s a new problem and I think an interesting one to work with, at least worth to give a second thought. I hope I will prepare a write up and put it here. Let me stop here and see if I can work with that now...

The Root of All Evil

VI. Ready

Proud enough for you to call me arrogant
Greedy enough to be labeled a thief
Angry enough for me to go and hurt a man
Cruel enough for me to feel no grief

Never could have just a part of it
I always need more to get by
Getting right down to the heart of it
The root of all evil has been running my whole life

Dirty enough for me to lust
Leaving nothing left to trust
Jealous enough to still feel envious
Lazy enough to sleep all day
And let my life just waste away
Selfish enough to make you wait for me

Driven blindly by our sins
Misled so easily
Entirely ready to leave it behind
I'm begging to break free

Take all of me
The desires that keep burning deep inside
Cast them all away
And help to give me strength to face another day
I am ready
Help me be what I can be

VII. Remove

Self-centered fear has got a hold of me
Clutching my throat
Self righteous anger running all through me
Ready to explode

Procrastination paralyzing me
Wanting me dead
These obsessions that keep haunting me
Won't leave my head

Help to do for me what I can't do myself
Take this fear and pain
I can't break out of this prison all alone
Help me break these chains

Humility now my only hope
Won't you take all of me
Heal this dying soul

I can feel my body breaking
I can feel my body breaking
I'm ready to let it all go
I can feel my body shaking
Right down to the foundation
The root of it all

Take all of me
The desires that keep burning deep inside
Cast them all away
And help to give me strength to face another day
I am ready
Help me be what I can be
I am ready
Come to me
Take me away

[Dream Theater][youtube][Lyrics: Mike Portnoy]

How is life?

Lot of things happened in last few days. I become little bit irregular here. In fact I was little bit busy. Not busy really it is because of Ramadhan my daily routine got screwed. I was struggling to cope up with change. It’s almost impossible to synchronize. I think it will be okay from now on. Probably today is the last day of Ramadhan. I hope everything gonna be regular again.

The best thing happened is Adnan joined OU this fall and the worst thing happen is still he is looking for assistantship. We two move out to a new apartment. It is not as cool as the old one though. Anyway, it’s a tradeoff that I have to accept. I realized one thing; probably I got changed a little bit or in Rassel’s word I become more American. What even it is, the fact is the same. Life is not as it was before.

Another interesting thing is my professor is leaving OU. I am not sure yet what would be the immediate consequences of that, I hope I will be fine. So my time is pretty busy to cope with the new situations. On the top of that my stupid research! So! It’s crazy time. I took three courses again and this fall I have to go through a nasty process again. That’s the ugly part of the entire story. Anyway pray for me!

The Unforgiven II

Lay beside me, tell me what they've done
Speak the words I want to hear, to make my demons run
The door is locked now but it's opened if you're true
If you can understand the me, then I can understand the you

Lay beside me, under wicked skies
Through black of day, dark of night, we share this paralyze
The door cracks open but there's no sun shining through
Black heart scarring darker still, but there's no sun shining through

No, there's no sun shining through
No, there's no sun shining

What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you?

What I've felt, what I've known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you
Or are you unforgiven, too?

Come beside me, this won't hurt, I swear
She loves me not, she loves me still, but she'll never love again
She lay beside me but she'll be there when I'm gone
Black heart scarring darker still, yes, she'll be there when I'm gone
Yes, she'll be there when I'm gone
Dead sure she'll be there

What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn to stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you?

What I've felt, what I've known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you
Or are you unforgiven, too?

Lay beside me, tell me what I've done
The door is closed, so are your eyes
But now I see the sun, now I see the sun
Yes, now I see it

What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you?

What I've felt, what I've known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there? 'Cause I'm the one who waits
The one who waits for you

I take this key
And I bury it in you
Because you're unforgiven, too

Never free
Never me
'Cause you're unforgiven, too

[Metallica - ReLoad' 1998][wiki][youtube][real player]

নষ্টদের অধিকারে

আমি জানি সবকিছু নষ্টদের অধিকারে যাবে।
নষ্টদের দানব মুঠোতে ধরা পড়বে মানবিক
সব সংঘ পরিষদ;-চ’লে যাবে অত্যন্ত উল্লাসে
চ’লে যাবে এই সমাজ সভ্যতা-সমস্ত দলিল
নষ্টদের অধিকারে ধুয়েমুছে, যে-রকম রাষ্ট্র
আর রাষ্ট্রযন্ত্র দিকে দিকে চ’লে গেছে নষ্টদের
অধিকারে। চ’লে যাবে শহর বন্দর গ্রাম ধানখেত
কালো মেঘলাল শাড়ি শাদা চাঁদ পাখির পালক
মন্দির মসজিদ গির্জা সিনেগগ নির্জন প্যাগোডা।
চাষার সমস্ত স্বপ্ন আস্তাকুড়ে ছুঁড়ে একদিন
সাধের সমাজতন্ত্রও নষ্টদের অধিকারে যাবে।

আমি জানি সবকিছু নষ্টদের অধিকারে যাবে।
কড়কড়ে রৌদ্র আর গোলগাল পূর্ণিমার রাত
নদীরে পাগল করা ভাটিয়ালি খড়ের গম্বুজ
শ্রাবণের সব বৃষ্টি নষ্টদের অধিকারে যাবে।
রবীন্দ্রনাথের সব জ্যোৎস্না আর রবিশংকরের
সমস্ত আলাপ হৃদয়স্পন্দন গাথা ঠোঁটের আঙুল
ঘাইহরিণীর মাংসের চিৎকার মাঠের রাখাল
কাশবন একদিন নষ্টদের অধিকারে যাবে।
চ’লে যাবে সেইসব উপকথাঃ সৌন্দর্য-প্রতিভা-
মেধা,-এমনকি উন্মাদ ও নির্বোধদের প্রিয় অমরতা
নির্বোধ আর উন্মাদদের ভয়ানক কষ্ট দিয়ে
অত্যন্ত উল্লাসভরে নষ্টদের অধিকারে যাবে।

আমি জানি সবকিছু নষ্টদের অধিকারে যাবে।
সবচে সুন্দর মেয়ে দুই হাতে টেনে সারারাত
চুষবে নষ্টের লিঙ্গ; লম্পটের অশ্লীল ঊরুতে
গাথা থাকবে অপার্থিব সৌন্দর্যের দেবী। চ’লে যাবে,
কিশোরীরা চ’লে যাবে, আমাদের তীব্র প্রেমিকারা
ওষ্ঠ আর আলিঙ্গন ঘৃণা করে চ’লে যাবে, নষ্টদের
উপপত্নী হবে। এই সব গ্রন্থ শ্লোক মুদ্রাযন্ত্র
শিশির বেহালা ধান রাজনীতি দোয়েলের ঠোঁত
গদ্যপদ্য আমার সমস্ত ছাত্রী মার্কস-লেনিন,
আর বাংলার বনের মতো আমার শ্যামল কন্যা-
রাহুগ্রস্ত সভ্যতার অবশিষ্ট সামান্য আলোক-
আমি জানি তারা সব নষ্টদের অধিকারে যাবে।

[হুমায়ুন আজাদ]

I am not a big fan of Humayun Azad but I find this one cool. Special thanks to Kazmee for this one. He read me this one. As usual I am not good at Bangla scripture typing so the text came from his blog.

Sailing To Philadelphia

I am jeremiah dixon
I am a geordie boy
A glass of wine with you, sir
And the ladies Ill enjoy
All durham and northumberland
Is measured up by my own hand
It was my fate from birth
To make my mark upon the earth...

He calls me charlie mason
A stargazer am i
It seems that I was born
To chart the evening sky
Theyd cut me out for baking bread
But I had other dreams instead
This bakers boy from the west country
Would join the royal society...

We are sailing to philadelphia
A world away from the coaly tyne
Sailing to philadelphia
To draw the line
A mason-dixon line

Now youre a good surveyor, dixon
But I swear youll make me mad
The west will kill us both
You gullible geordie lad
You talk of liberty
How can america be free
A geordie and a bakers boy
In the forests of the iroquois...

Now hold your head up, mason
See america lies there
The morning tide has raised
The capes of delaware
Come up and feel the sun
A new morning has begun
Another day will make it clear
Why your stars should guide us here...

We are sailing to philadelphia
A world away from the coaly tyne
Sailing to philadelphia
To draw the line
A mason-dixon line

[Mark Knopfler, 2000][wiki][youtube]

বিচ্ছিন্ন মানুষ!

মানুষ এক অদ্ভুত প্রানী এই অদ্ভুত গ্রহে, মানুষ কি কখনও জানে সে কি চায়? গত এক বছরের নিষঙ্গ জীবনে কতবার ভেবেছি আহ! যদি পেতাম একজন মানুষ যার সাথে কথা বলা যাবে, আর আজ যখন পেলাম তখন খুজে মরি আমার হারিয়ে যাওয়া নিসঙ্গতা। আমি হয়ত নিজেই জানি না আমি কি চাই। যা চাই, তা আদঔ কি চাই, যা পাই কেনই বা তা চাই? অনেক প্রশ্নের ভিরে আমি খুজে ফিরি নিজেকে প্রতিনিয়ত। বব ডিলনের মত আমারও খুব জানতে ইচ্ছে করে কতটা পথ পেরুলে পরে মানুষ বলা যায়?

মানুষ! বিচ্ছন্ন এই গ্রহের বিচ্ছিন্ন মানুষ! আমরা সবাই কি বিচ্ছিন্ন নই? খুব জানতে ইচ্ছে করে, কোন অদ্ভুত রসায়ন মানুষকে মানুষ বানায়? মানুষ কি শুধুই একটি মানুষ নাকি অনেক মানুষের একটা সম্মিলিত প্রতিচ্ছবি? মাঝে মাঝে মনে হয় আমার ভেতরের মানুষটা কে বার করে জিঙ্গেস করি, সে কি চায়? আমি জানি সেও আমার মত অন্ধ, সেও কিচ্ছু জানে না, শুধু জানে বেচে থাকতে। আমি আসলে কিছুই জানি না, আমি শুধু জানি আমার কি নাই। আমি বার বার প্রতিবাদ করি আমার কেন নাই। আমি ভুলে যাই আমার কত কি আছে, আমার আছে জীবন, আমার আছে অদ্ভুত এক রসায়ন, যা আমাকে প্রতিনিয়ত মানুষ বলে মনে করিয়ে দেয়।

আমি কেন এমন হলাম? যদি এমন না হতাম তবে কেমন হতাম? কেমন হলে আমার মনে হত আমি ভাল আছি? কেমন হলে মনে হত আমি ঠিক আমার মত? আমার কত প্রশ্ন! আমার কত কিছু জানার আছে, আমি জানতে চাই, ঠিক আমার মত করে। পারি না, জানি না পারব কি না, জানি না কবে পারব, তবে একদিন হয়ত পারব, ঠিক পারব।

Nondeterministic vs. Deterministic

Is human mind nondeterministic? I was trying to sleep last night and it was not helping much. Then I had tried meditation. I am never good at it. Every time I tried meditation, I got distracted but I find an interesting thing yesterday. Every time I had started with a big light source right above my head and I am laying supine in a scenic place. I was trying to concentrate on the big light source and try to feel the emptiness inside my mind with deep breath. I think the starting was okay but after every several minutes or so I found myself thinking something else, something very unrelated with my original point.

First few times I had tried to discover the chain of thought, how I get into this point? I found it is very difficult to backtrack the string of thoughts (but I was able to track it back for twice or trice). Then I tried to find the relation, the relation between the points I end up with my real life. Interestingly I got confused, I am not sure if there is any relation at all. Then I start playing with my thoughts. Every time I start from same point and try to concentrate but after some time I found me in entirely different place. So I tried to memorize the places and I was trying to find any relationship among the different places. Interestingly it is hard to find any real relation among the end points. I feel like my thought process randomly roaming around. I feel like it is a nondeterministic process. It is a very interesting nondeterministic process the same start point can take you to the entirely different end point.

Apparently human thought process is not entirely random and we can drive it to a desired direction (I am not sure, is it a desired direction or we took it as desired direction). Anyway, I agree that we are controlling our thoughts in some way, so this is a deterministic process. Now there is a mystery how we drive a nondeterministic process into a deterministic one. There might be another possibility, some part of our brain is nondeterministic and some are deterministic. But I can always argue that they are not deterministic rather they only keep the fit infants which makes them more like deterministic. Finally if there such a transformation exists then why can’t we use them in nondeterministic computing? Genetic process could be a way of transforming a nondeterministic one into a deterministic one or maybe something entirely different. (Probably I had slept at this point…)

Memento

I have watched a very interesting kind of movie today, “Memento”. It was backward kind of movie; I mean it was portrayed backward or reverse chronologically. It was portraying a patient who cannot hold new memories. The backward concept is not entirely new and so the disease. I like the combination of the story and the portraying. I am convinced that this kind portraying is probably good for this kind storyline. I must say this is one of those movies which make me think about it. Of course they showed some bizarre idea of coping with life for such a patient.

On the top of all these, I feel like they want to show some another ideas. The fact is always subject dependent. The subject decides the fact and then subject concludes from the same fact. It is always hard to tell what is a fact. And then even if it convinces itself about the fact, different circumstances deserve different interpretations and conclusions. A fact is not indifferent of interpretation. Fact is a mystery and conclusion is relative. So what else we have? :D

Finally the tagline, “Some memories are best forgotten” is kind of universal truth but I found it little bit irrelevant for this movie. At least the famous saying is not about this kind of context. Overall, I strongly recommend this movie. I would probably name it as one of my favorites.

How is life?

I complete waste of a day. I had so many things to do but I did nothing. Even I couldn’t sleep last night. I had tried two or three times during the day but it didn’t help. What I did is stupid rubbish talks. I kept so many things for the weekend but I did literally nothing. This should not happen anymore. I should be careful about wasting my time. Time is passing on. I really don’t have much time to prepare everything. I can see, I will be on rush very soon. What Can I do? I am stuck with a problem since last month. I have to find a better solution for that problem. I have already made few big decisions and those messed up all things. So I am in a mess now. I have to fix it up. I have to fix all of these, the life, the research, everything.

I couldn’t sleep for last few days. It means I am tense. It is not good. Working hard is not bad but being tense is not good. I should be relaxed but I can’t. Something is bothering me badly. The problem is I don’t know exactly what it is. It’s like I am afraid of an enemy that doesn’t exist. This state is not quite comfortable. Anyway, hope for the best!