set me free!

It is always hard to predict what's coming in. It is sometime even harder to realize what is going on. I have spent my entire life to realize what is going on and every time I try to figure out what have I learned about life? My found a big empty, it is empty like Buddha's emptiness. I have real trouble coping with life. I have real trouble to live. I never understand what life is but I always try. It causes pain to run after something that doesn't exist. May life doesn't have any meaning, we stupid bunch of people running after it.

I never understand people I never understand life. I never understand relationship. There are so many things I don't understand. My ignorance beats me up every time. I never understand how I am supposed to react. So I choose the opposite, I do what I like to do. I am a stupid whore entrapped in prostitution and I don't know how to get out of it. I am waiting for the customers and hope someone will take me out someday and that thing doesn't happen.

I have heard Himalaya is the place where people get their answers. I want do one thing before I die, I want to go to Himalaya. I want to get my answers. I want to know me! I want to know my life. I am tired of being ignorant. I want the light. I am so bored in ignorance. I want a soul to take me out show me the world, a spirited soul!

Paranoid

Finished with my woman cause she couldnt help me with my mind
People think Im insane because I am browning all the time
All day long I think of things but nothing seems to satisfy
Think Ill lose my mind if I dont find something to pacify

Can you help me thought you were my friend
Whoah yeah

I need someone to show me the things in life that I cant find
I cant see the things that make true happiness, I must be blind

Make a joke and I will sigh and you will laugh and I will cry
Happiness I cannot feel and love to me is so unreal

And so as you hear these words telling you now of my state
I tell you to enjoy life I wish I could but its too late

[Black Sabbath, 1970][Youtube]

Funny!!!

There is an interesting thing about God. There is always something good in his creation. Every creation is unique. Sometimes I got so confused that I don’t know how what to say. Everyone is different; everyone has their own way of thinking, doing and so. It is not easy to conclude anything from finite instances. Well! Who am I to conclude? Who gave me the right to conclude about others? True, very valid question! I don’t have any right, so you. It is easy to stop comparing? Well! is it possible to stop comparing for human being? It’s hard to explain.

When we all were kids we learn one thing, how to mimic things. We learn from other people. We learn to compare ourselves to other people. From then we compare anything and everything with something else. What if I can stop comparing absolutely? I guess my existence would not create any difference. I exist because I can compare! I can’t imagine of a true indifferent man! How does he look like? Maybe, I going toward too extreme but it is fun thinking about the extremes. Extremes are interesting.

I am rambling way apart from the point. The point is who am I to judge the wonderful creations of God? Yesterday, I was talking with Josh. He has a list of forty five items that he looks in a girl (trust me even forty five girls are not enough for those forty five items). Sounds interesting, isn’t it? So he came to my apartment almost midnight and saying shiblee I am in a big problem. So I asked what? He said I start liking a girl and she doesn’t have all those forty five items! I said okay, then don’t date with her. He said well it is difficult to be alone. In a zest, the way he explain the problem to me is like, if he starts dating and find a better girl then what he would do? At the same if a girl with those forty five items doesn’t exist (it can't be) then what?

অচল প্রেমের পদ্য – ০৮

তুমি কি জুলেখা, শিরী, সাবিত্রী, নাকি রজকিনী?
চিনি, খুব জানি
তুমি যার তার, যে কেউ তোমার,
তোমাকে দিলাম না – ভালোবাসার অপূর্ব অধিকার।

[হেলাল হাফিজ]

Fade to Black

Life, it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters, no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye

[Metallica - Ride The Lightning' 1984][Youtube]

Am I busy?

Start with the anonymous’ question, “Am I busy?” well hard to tell, let me put it this way, “I am occupied.” It has been a while I am not writing anything. The partial reason of course is I am occupied another reason could be I don’t know what to write. Well, I used to write everything here but now my everything become so small that anyone can put it in one line and that line appears so many times, I dare to put that again. Life is pretty much same as it was before except I complicated the situation a little. Forget about the ugly part! One new thing is I having difficulties to tolerate other people now-a-days. Well, it’s not entirely new, it’s a kind of recurring phenomenon.

Let me think, “What’s new?” I barely remember anything new. Ahh!!! There is one new thing in OU CS department. They are trying to arrange a regular tea party on Thursday evening. I am just coming from that event. It’s nothing but all the professors and students mostly graduate students gather together and chat with each other. They give an interesting name for it, they called it t++. The idea is cool! It’s an open interaction place for faculty and students. But like other events some faculty don’t bother to show up, so some students. Anyway, it’s a cool to be.

Anything else? I am tempting to say no. Well, Adnan and I stay together. So I don’t have to do all the crazy household stuff. To be more specific Adnan take care of everything like he did before. He took pretty less time to take over everything. I am happy! I hate this kind of things and I know he loves these tasks. There are some people who love to take care of others, he is one of those kinds and I am one of those who don’t even take care of themselves. So it’s a good match. We have entirely different domain of problems and we live in different world. That’s a good thing about me and him. He is kind of opposite of me and still we are good friends. I don’t have any more things to say.

Ummm… I was planning to write a post about a cool idea, I did the initial survey for it. It’s a new problem and I think an interesting one to work with, at least worth to give a second thought. I hope I will prepare a write up and put it here. Let me stop here and see if I can work with that now...

The Root of All Evil

VI. Ready

Proud enough for you to call me arrogant
Greedy enough to be labeled a thief
Angry enough for me to go and hurt a man
Cruel enough for me to feel no grief

Never could have just a part of it
I always need more to get by
Getting right down to the heart of it
The root of all evil has been running my whole life

Dirty enough for me to lust
Leaving nothing left to trust
Jealous enough to still feel envious
Lazy enough to sleep all day
And let my life just waste away
Selfish enough to make you wait for me

Driven blindly by our sins
Misled so easily
Entirely ready to leave it behind
I'm begging to break free

Take all of me
The desires that keep burning deep inside
Cast them all away
And help to give me strength to face another day
I am ready
Help me be what I can be

VII. Remove

Self-centered fear has got a hold of me
Clutching my throat
Self righteous anger running all through me
Ready to explode

Procrastination paralyzing me
Wanting me dead
These obsessions that keep haunting me
Won't leave my head

Help to do for me what I can't do myself
Take this fear and pain
I can't break out of this prison all alone
Help me break these chains

Humility now my only hope
Won't you take all of me
Heal this dying soul

I can feel my body breaking
I can feel my body breaking
I'm ready to let it all go
I can feel my body shaking
Right down to the foundation
The root of it all

Take all of me
The desires that keep burning deep inside
Cast them all away
And help to give me strength to face another day
I am ready
Help me be what I can be
I am ready
Come to me
Take me away

[Dream Theater][youtube][Lyrics: Mike Portnoy]

How is life?

Lot of things happened in last few days. I become little bit irregular here. In fact I was little bit busy. Not busy really it is because of Ramadhan my daily routine got screwed. I was struggling to cope up with change. It’s almost impossible to synchronize. I think it will be okay from now on. Probably today is the last day of Ramadhan. I hope everything gonna be regular again.

The best thing happened is Adnan joined OU this fall and the worst thing happen is still he is looking for assistantship. We two move out to a new apartment. It is not as cool as the old one though. Anyway, it’s a tradeoff that I have to accept. I realized one thing; probably I got changed a little bit or in Rassel’s word I become more American. What even it is, the fact is the same. Life is not as it was before.

Another interesting thing is my professor is leaving OU. I am not sure yet what would be the immediate consequences of that, I hope I will be fine. So my time is pretty busy to cope with the new situations. On the top of that my stupid research! So! It’s crazy time. I took three courses again and this fall I have to go through a nasty process again. That’s the ugly part of the entire story. Anyway pray for me!

The Unforgiven II

Lay beside me, tell me what they've done
Speak the words I want to hear, to make my demons run
The door is locked now but it's opened if you're true
If you can understand the me, then I can understand the you

Lay beside me, under wicked skies
Through black of day, dark of night, we share this paralyze
The door cracks open but there's no sun shining through
Black heart scarring darker still, but there's no sun shining through

No, there's no sun shining through
No, there's no sun shining

What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you?

What I've felt, what I've known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you
Or are you unforgiven, too?

Come beside me, this won't hurt, I swear
She loves me not, she loves me still, but she'll never love again
She lay beside me but she'll be there when I'm gone
Black heart scarring darker still, yes, she'll be there when I'm gone
Yes, she'll be there when I'm gone
Dead sure she'll be there

What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn to stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you?

What I've felt, what I've known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there, 'cause I'm the one who waits for you
Or are you unforgiven, too?

Lay beside me, tell me what I've done
The door is closed, so are your eyes
But now I see the sun, now I see the sun
Yes, now I see it

What I've felt, what I've known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you?

What I've felt, what I've known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there? 'Cause I'm the one who waits
The one who waits for you

I take this key
And I bury it in you
Because you're unforgiven, too

Never free
Never me
'Cause you're unforgiven, too

[Metallica - ReLoad' 1998][wiki][youtube][real player]

নষ্টদের অধিকারে

আমি জানি সবকিছু নষ্টদের অধিকারে যাবে।
নষ্টদের দানব মুঠোতে ধরা পড়বে মানবিক
সব সংঘ পরিষদ;-চ’লে যাবে অত্যন্ত উল্লাসে
চ’লে যাবে এই সমাজ সভ্যতা-সমস্ত দলিল
নষ্টদের অধিকারে ধুয়েমুছে, যে-রকম রাষ্ট্র
আর রাষ্ট্রযন্ত্র দিকে দিকে চ’লে গেছে নষ্টদের
অধিকারে। চ’লে যাবে শহর বন্দর গ্রাম ধানখেত
কালো মেঘলাল শাড়ি শাদা চাঁদ পাখির পালক
মন্দির মসজিদ গির্জা সিনেগগ নির্জন প্যাগোডা।
চাষার সমস্ত স্বপ্ন আস্তাকুড়ে ছুঁড়ে একদিন
সাধের সমাজতন্ত্রও নষ্টদের অধিকারে যাবে।

আমি জানি সবকিছু নষ্টদের অধিকারে যাবে।
কড়কড়ে রৌদ্র আর গোলগাল পূর্ণিমার রাত
নদীরে পাগল করা ভাটিয়ালি খড়ের গম্বুজ
শ্রাবণের সব বৃষ্টি নষ্টদের অধিকারে যাবে।
রবীন্দ্রনাথের সব জ্যোৎস্না আর রবিশংকরের
সমস্ত আলাপ হৃদয়স্পন্দন গাথা ঠোঁটের আঙুল
ঘাইহরিণীর মাংসের চিৎকার মাঠের রাখাল
কাশবন একদিন নষ্টদের অধিকারে যাবে।
চ’লে যাবে সেইসব উপকথাঃ সৌন্দর্য-প্রতিভা-
মেধা,-এমনকি উন্মাদ ও নির্বোধদের প্রিয় অমরতা
নির্বোধ আর উন্মাদদের ভয়ানক কষ্ট দিয়ে
অত্যন্ত উল্লাসভরে নষ্টদের অধিকারে যাবে।

আমি জানি সবকিছু নষ্টদের অধিকারে যাবে।
সবচে সুন্দর মেয়ে দুই হাতে টেনে সারারাত
চুষবে নষ্টের লিঙ্গ; লম্পটের অশ্লীল ঊরুতে
গাথা থাকবে অপার্থিব সৌন্দর্যের দেবী। চ’লে যাবে,
কিশোরীরা চ’লে যাবে, আমাদের তীব্র প্রেমিকারা
ওষ্ঠ আর আলিঙ্গন ঘৃণা করে চ’লে যাবে, নষ্টদের
উপপত্নী হবে। এই সব গ্রন্থ শ্লোক মুদ্রাযন্ত্র
শিশির বেহালা ধান রাজনীতি দোয়েলের ঠোঁত
গদ্যপদ্য আমার সমস্ত ছাত্রী মার্কস-লেনিন,
আর বাংলার বনের মতো আমার শ্যামল কন্যা-
রাহুগ্রস্ত সভ্যতার অবশিষ্ট সামান্য আলোক-
আমি জানি তারা সব নষ্টদের অধিকারে যাবে।

[হুমায়ুন আজাদ]

I am not a big fan of Humayun Azad but I find this one cool. Special thanks to Kazmee for this one. He read me this one. As usual I am not good at Bangla scripture typing so the text came from his blog.