I'm the fool!

I never thought I'd be the one
To be the raging bull
There'd always be a smoking gun
Who'd up and lose his cool
I never thought I'd have to say
I'm sorry, my love, because
I'm the fool I never
Fool I never thought I was

I left my dreams with broken strings
It's time I learnt to talk
Stop falling over things
Teach myself to walk
I'm not a superman
Or Mr. wonderful, because
I'm the fool I never
Fool I never thought I was

I'm the know it all
Trying to mend his broken heart
But I don't know who to call
And I don't know where to start

Now if you should lose your faith in me
I don't know where I'd run
I hope you'll always let me be
Your only one
Am I your one true love
Or am I too late for your applause
I'm the fool I never
Fool I never thought I was
Darling, I'm the fool I never
Fool I never thought I was

[Mark Knopfler]

How would you feel if one morning you wake up and found you don't have one leg or one arm or may be something else? I am losing something every fine morning, every fine morning I am loosing some parts of me. I knew life is not easy but I didn't know it is burglar. I am loosing something; some of my precious things everyday. I had so many good things when I was a kid I have a few of them left now. I don't know when and how I lost all of them. I am becoming empty day-by-day. Probably, I can't even claim like Hasib, "............"

Three Years!

My first post in this blog was sometime in November, 2006. It is November, 2009. My blog has passed almost three years. Wow! Three years! I never imagined at that time that I would continue it for so long. Three years is a long and for me it is even more. I have spent plenty of my times with my blog. I was kind of obsessed with my blog during the last fall, even worse during the last, last fall. Now I hardly manage time to write something. Am I too busy? Probably not, probably I don’t have much to tell or to be more specific, I don’t have much to say to my readers, or maybe I become more introvert, or maybe I am not comfortable with too much traffic. Whatever the reason is, I am not regular here, but I want to be!

Why do I care about my blog? Well no good reason for that but it was like my friend for too long. It came all the way from Bangladesh to here with me. So I do care about it. One good thing about it is it influences many people to start their own. It brought some friends for me; it brought some good thoughts for me too. Another interesting thing is nobody ever complained about my ugly writing style but I know it’s ugly. Apart from that, nobody even complained about poor English! I mean that was the whole point of start writing publicly. Apparently, it didn’t work because people are too modest, maybe more than they should be. But I have received many comments in course of time and most of them are from my friends. Some anonymous comments are very irritating like “you should add addsense”, “you should add visitor counter” and so and so. Some comments are really interesting and I liked them such as “your blog is stereotype”, “do you know anything other than the word stupid” and so. At least they spend their time on it.

I should say sorry for a very stupid post about Adolf Hitler. It didn’t mean what it looks like now. I am not a big fan of Hitler but I told I am big fan of his capability of imagination. Being a big fan of someone is very different from being a big fan of his/her characteristics. I can have certain characteristics; it is up to me how I am going to use them. I didn’t even say I am fan of his way of using but how that post is interpreted wrongly by most of the readers and I receive tons of personal emails about that post. Some of them state theirs hatred on Hitler in such a way that it seems like I am the one whom they hate!

I have shared couple of my conversations with my friends. Zafar was complaining about one. This is a big issue about personal blog. Blog is way of publishing other people information without their permission. To my best knowledge, I never did that intentionally and I never publish any sensitive information intentionally. If I had ever published anything about anyone which he/she is not comfortable with, he/she has every right to ask me to get rid of that post and I would love to do so.

Typically I receive interesting comments but I would like to say something about comments. Some comments I really hate:
“You should organize this/that way” – What the heck? Why do I need to organize this/that way? What I am going to achieve? Better look, that’s not me even if I organize in that. I want to keep in my own way, in my own organization. I don’t have any intension of attract traffic; I have an intention of reflecting me here. So please do not tell me how to organize it.
“You should add addsense” – Again I am not doing it for business, it is for fun. I don’t want to mix up everything with business. I have no intension of making it business website or business portal. If I want to earn money I can earn from different sources. So please don’t suggest me something like that.
“You should add visitors counter” – Why? Why do I care about how many visitors it has, why do my readers care about how many visitors it has? If they care, it doesn’t want that kind of visitors. It wants the visitors those come to read it not come here because other people come here. So please don’t say I need to add that.
“I have visited your blog now please visit mine” – I love to read other people’s blog and I spend quite a long time on that. If you left a comment like that I am ensuring you I am never gonna visit yours. If your site has the content of my type be sure I’ll find it someday and visit yours.

Well, it would be too mean if I write only the bad part of the story. I should say something about the good part of the story. Comments I really love:
“Your idea is crap” – No idea is perfect, the whole point of putting an idea in public is to discuss it and collect other people views. I believe if nobody questions my idea it is not interesting enough or it is not innovative enough. Tell me what is wrong, I would love to hear. I might argue; but if there is something good in it, trust me I’ll accept it.
“It is stereotype” – Probably I agree it is little bit stereotype. I mean most of our lives are not very interesting. It is not our fault; it is how we lead our life. I have received plenty of comments like that. I love these kinds of comments but the problem I don’t know the way making it more interesting. So I always argue and that makes a bit more interesting.
“It is masochism” – Whatever it is, it is me! I love to hear from different people about what they think about me. I never feel offended with these types of comments.
“You write very well” – It is always good to hear good things from other people, it is more interesting if the person is unknown. Of course these kinds of comments are very encouraging.

At the end of the day, the whole point of writing is someone will read it later. So readers are very important for anything. Readers keep things alive. Couple of days ago I was planning to make my blog private and then I changed my mind. I feel like readers have some impact on what I am writing, and I didn’t want to miss that part. Finally, I would love to listen from my readers.

Long Nights

Have no fear
For when I'm alone
I'll be better off than I was before

I've got this life
I'll be around to grow
Who I was before
I cannot recall

Long, long nights allow me to feel
I'm falling
I am falling
The lights go out
Let me feel
I'm falling
I am falling safely to the ground
Ah...

I'll take this soul that's inside me now
Like a brand new friend
I'll forever know

I've got this light
And the will to show
I will always be better than before

Long, long nights allow me to feel
I'm falling
I am falling
The lights go out
Let me feel
I'm falling
I am falling safely to the ground
Ah..

[Eddie Vedder][Youtube]

One thing I wanna do before I die, I wanna be homeless, I wanna go wild. I wanna be a freeman. I believe this world should have place for freemen. The place where I can learn myself, the true life. I hate this trash of civilization. Cities are like lights, and we are the flies moving toward it. Alas! it can give us nothing but death.

I wanted to cry

Well here comes my baby
She's dressed oh so cute
She looks a little crazy
In her Hollywood shoes
Well baby loves driving
In my hot brand new car
She thinks less than flying
Is not fast enough

But when you turn upside down
Life ain't too much fun
I wanted to cry
But the tears wouldn't come

Here comes my baby
She's the one I adore
Well she's a lucky lady
Born in a Gucci store
With gold cards in motion
And the platinum too
She jets across the ocean
A little faster than you

But when it rains in St. Barth
Life ain't too much fun
I wanted to cry
But the tears wouldn't come
I wanted to cry
But the tears wouldn't come

Every night without you
I miss to have you by my side
Ohh, so I keep waiting, I keep waiting
I swear I never let you go again

Well here comes my baby
With a Brad Pitt lookalike
Right through immigration
And straight out of my life

Well it seems the friendly skies
Are pretty good fun
I wanted to cry
But the tears wouldn't come

I wanted to cry
I wanted to cry
I wanted to cry
But the tears wouldn't come

[Scorpions][Youtube]

Today, I just realized I have not seen so many wonderful things in this world. I just realize life is very different than I think of. I got a huge blow and I am struggling to hold on. I used to think I am doing great but I never realize some other things might have more fun. My day was horrible and I was in some kind of illusion today. I am scared of life. Day-by-day I am getting more and more scared. huh! I hate life.

I feel very stupid, I feel like I know nothing about life. I want to go home just for a day. I want to get back to my mom. I want to sleep on her lap like I did before. Every time I felt I was bumped I used to sleep on her lap. Probably those are my safest moments in my entire life. Mama! Please take me back inside! ………………………………………………………………….

Security for Data Stream Management System

There emerge new applications, such as environment monitoring, Web click streams, and network traffic monitoring, where data are in a form of streams that continuously arrive, usually in high speed and with changing data distribution. Due to the unbounded data volume and the real-time continuous high rate data collection and processing characteristics of those applications, traditional database management systems are not suitable to manage them. To fill in the gap, researchers have proposed a new type of systems, called Data Stream Management Systems (DSMS). Like traditional database management systems, DSMS need to provide security mechanisms to protect streams of data along with the system against malicious attacks in sensitive applications. The special characteristics of data stream applications raise new issues that must be considered when developing security mechanisms for DSMS. This paper discusses those issues, reviews how they have been addressed in the literature, and identifies future research directions.

In Security in computing and networking systems: the state-of-the-art, Eds. William McQuay and Walled W. Smari.

set me free!

It is always hard to predict what's coming in. It is sometime even harder to realize what is going on. I have spent my entire life to realize what is going on and every time I try to figure out what have I learned about life? My found a big empty, it is empty like Buddha's emptiness. I have real trouble coping with life. I have real trouble to live. I never understand what life is but I always try. It causes pain to run after something that doesn't exist. May life doesn't have any meaning, we stupid bunch of people running after it.

I never understand people I never understand life. I never understand relationship. There are so many things I don't understand. My ignorance beats me up every time. I never understand how I am supposed to react. So I choose the opposite, I do what I like to do. I am a stupid whore entrapped in prostitution and I don't know how to get out of it. I am waiting for the customers and hope someone will take me out someday and that thing doesn't happen.

I have heard Himalaya is the place where people get their answers. I want do one thing before I die, I want to go to Himalaya. I want to get my answers. I want to know me! I want to know my life. I am tired of being ignorant. I want the light. I am so bored in ignorance. I want a soul to take me out show me the world, a spirited soul!

Paranoid

Finished with my woman cause she couldnt help me with my mind
People think Im insane because I am browning all the time
All day long I think of things but nothing seems to satisfy
Think Ill lose my mind if I dont find something to pacify

Can you help me thought you were my friend
Whoah yeah

I need someone to show me the things in life that I cant find
I cant see the things that make true happiness, I must be blind

Make a joke and I will sigh and you will laugh and I will cry
Happiness I cannot feel and love to me is so unreal

And so as you hear these words telling you now of my state
I tell you to enjoy life I wish I could but its too late

[Black Sabbath, 1970][Youtube]

Funny!!!

There is an interesting thing about God. There is always something good in his creation. Every creation is unique. Sometimes I got so confused that I don’t know how what to say. Everyone is different; everyone has their own way of thinking, doing and so. It is not easy to conclude anything from finite instances. Well! Who am I to conclude? Who gave me the right to conclude about others? True, very valid question! I don’t have any right, so you. It is easy to stop comparing? Well! is it possible to stop comparing for human being? It’s hard to explain.

When we all were kids we learn one thing, how to mimic things. We learn from other people. We learn to compare ourselves to other people. From then we compare anything and everything with something else. What if I can stop comparing absolutely? I guess my existence would not create any difference. I exist because I can compare! I can’t imagine of a true indifferent man! How does he look like? Maybe, I going toward too extreme but it is fun thinking about the extremes. Extremes are interesting.

I am rambling way apart from the point. The point is who am I to judge the wonderful creations of God? Yesterday, I was talking with Josh. He has a list of forty five items that he looks in a girl (trust me even forty five girls are not enough for those forty five items). Sounds interesting, isn’t it? So he came to my apartment almost midnight and saying shiblee I am in a big problem. So I asked what? He said I start liking a girl and she doesn’t have all those forty five items! I said okay, then don’t date with her. He said well it is difficult to be alone. In a zest, the way he explain the problem to me is like, if he starts dating and find a better girl then what he would do? At the same if a girl with those forty five items doesn’t exist (it can't be) then what?

অচল প্রেমের পদ্য – ০৮

তুমি কি জুলেখা, শিরী, সাবিত্রী, নাকি রজকিনী?
চিনি, খুব জানি
তুমি যার তার, যে কেউ তোমার,
তোমাকে দিলাম না – ভালোবাসার অপূর্ব অধিকার।

[হেলাল হাফিজ]

Fade to Black

Life, it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters, no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye

[Metallica - Ride The Lightning' 1984][Youtube]