set me free!

It is always hard to predict what's coming in. It is sometime even harder to realize what is going on. I have spent my entire life to realize what is going on and every time I try to figure out what have I learned about life? My found a big empty, it is empty like Buddha's emptiness. I have real trouble coping with life. I have real trouble to live. I never understand what life is but I always try. It causes pain to run after something that doesn't exist. May life doesn't have any meaning, we stupid bunch of people running after it.

I never understand people I never understand life. I never understand relationship. There are so many things I don't understand. My ignorance beats me up every time. I never understand how I am supposed to react. So I choose the opposite, I do what I like to do. I am a stupid whore entrapped in prostitution and I don't know how to get out of it. I am waiting for the customers and hope someone will take me out someday and that thing doesn't happen.

I have heard Himalaya is the place where people get their answers. I want do one thing before I die, I want to go to Himalaya. I want to get my answers. I want to know me! I want to know my life. I am tired of being ignorant. I want the light. I am so bored in ignorance. I want a soul to take me out show me the world, a spirited soul!

Paranoid

Finished with my woman cause she couldnt help me with my mind
People think Im insane because I am browning all the time
All day long I think of things but nothing seems to satisfy
Think Ill lose my mind if I dont find something to pacify

Can you help me thought you were my friend
Whoah yeah

I need someone to show me the things in life that I cant find
I cant see the things that make true happiness, I must be blind

Make a joke and I will sigh and you will laugh and I will cry
Happiness I cannot feel and love to me is so unreal

And so as you hear these words telling you now of my state
I tell you to enjoy life I wish I could but its too late

[Black Sabbath, 1970][Youtube]

Funny!!!

There is an interesting thing about God. There is always something good in his creation. Every creation is unique. Sometimes I got so confused that I don’t know how what to say. Everyone is different; everyone has their own way of thinking, doing and so. It is not easy to conclude anything from finite instances. Well! Who am I to conclude? Who gave me the right to conclude about others? True, very valid question! I don’t have any right, so you. It is easy to stop comparing? Well! is it possible to stop comparing for human being? It’s hard to explain.

When we all were kids we learn one thing, how to mimic things. We learn from other people. We learn to compare ourselves to other people. From then we compare anything and everything with something else. What if I can stop comparing absolutely? I guess my existence would not create any difference. I exist because I can compare! I can’t imagine of a true indifferent man! How does he look like? Maybe, I going toward too extreme but it is fun thinking about the extremes. Extremes are interesting.

I am rambling way apart from the point. The point is who am I to judge the wonderful creations of God? Yesterday, I was talking with Josh. He has a list of forty five items that he looks in a girl (trust me even forty five girls are not enough for those forty five items). Sounds interesting, isn’t it? So he came to my apartment almost midnight and saying shiblee I am in a big problem. So I asked what? He said I start liking a girl and she doesn’t have all those forty five items! I said okay, then don’t date with her. He said well it is difficult to be alone. In a zest, the way he explain the problem to me is like, if he starts dating and find a better girl then what he would do? At the same if a girl with those forty five items doesn’t exist (it can't be) then what?

অচল প্রেমের পদ্য – ০৮

তুমি কি জুলেখা, শিরী, সাবিত্রী, নাকি রজকিনী?
চিনি, খুব জানি
তুমি যার তার, যে কেউ তোমার,
তোমাকে দিলাম না – ভালোবাসার অপূর্ব অধিকার।

[হেলাল হাফিজ]

Fade to Black

Life, it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters, no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye

[Metallica - Ride The Lightning' 1984][Youtube]

Am I busy?

Start with the anonymous’ question, “Am I busy?” well hard to tell, let me put it this way, “I am occupied.” It has been a while I am not writing anything. The partial reason of course is I am occupied another reason could be I don’t know what to write. Well, I used to write everything here but now my everything become so small that anyone can put it in one line and that line appears so many times, I dare to put that again. Life is pretty much same as it was before except I complicated the situation a little. Forget about the ugly part! One new thing is I having difficulties to tolerate other people now-a-days. Well, it’s not entirely new, it’s a kind of recurring phenomenon.

Let me think, “What’s new?” I barely remember anything new. Ahh!!! There is one new thing in OU CS department. They are trying to arrange a regular tea party on Thursday evening. I am just coming from that event. It’s nothing but all the professors and students mostly graduate students gather together and chat with each other. They give an interesting name for it, they called it t++. The idea is cool! It’s an open interaction place for faculty and students. But like other events some faculty don’t bother to show up, so some students. Anyway, it’s a cool to be.

Anything else? I am tempting to say no. Well, Adnan and I stay together. So I don’t have to do all the crazy household stuff. To be more specific Adnan take care of everything like he did before. He took pretty less time to take over everything. I am happy! I hate this kind of things and I know he loves these tasks. There are some people who love to take care of others, he is one of those kinds and I am one of those who don’t even take care of themselves. So it’s a good match. We have entirely different domain of problems and we live in different world. That’s a good thing about me and him. He is kind of opposite of me and still we are good friends. I don’t have any more things to say.

Ummm… I was planning to write a post about a cool idea, I did the initial survey for it. It’s a new problem and I think an interesting one to work with, at least worth to give a second thought. I hope I will prepare a write up and put it here. Let me stop here and see if I can work with that now...